S A V A G E
by TwitchWalkerTexasRanger
Summary: Blaire Holcomb's life was ravaged, leaving her forever altered. Forever alive. Forced to balance her newborn bloodlust with her equally insatiable need for revenge, Blaire must also determine if Jasper Whitlock and the complicated relationship they share will help her kill the vampires that turned her, or keep her from reaching absolution. [J/OC] SEQUEL
1. PREFACE

Welcome to SAVAGE! For those of you new to the story, SAVAGE is actually the sequel to RAVAGE (a completed work following the events of _Twilight_). The events of this story begin in the transitionary period between _Twilight_ and _New Moon_, and will follow _New Moon_ to its completion.

SAVAGE is rated M due to graphic descriptions of violence and gore, strong language, and sexual situations. Viewer discretion is advised.

* * *

**PREFACE**

_I RAN TO MEET THE_ end.

It was different than before, though. It didn't matter if anyone else thought otherwise. _I_ knew it was different. That was enough.

The first time I met the end, it was mine. This time, someone else was going to end. This time, I would have it done by my hands, and no one else's.

The trees zipped past me and the wind whipped through my ears and tangled my hair, but I wasn't moving fast enough. I could feel them at my heels, dying to close in. Ready to make the kill. They could try. I was so much faster than I'd ever been before. I would outrun them all.

I barely paid them any attention. My focus was on the flame ahead of me, the fire that burned at me every hour.

This had been months in the making – weeks, days, hours, minutes, seconds. Every breath had been for this.

I was finally closing in.

I was so close.

And then I would finally be free.

**V**

* * *

If you enjoy my writing and would like to support me in my creative endeavors, I've set up a ko-fi account (which is essentially an online tip jar). The link, spelled out, is _**ko-fi dot com forward-slash TwitchWalkerTexasRanger**_. Please consider donating if you have some extra change and want to help your local Texas Ranger out!

I also appreciate comments! Your words have the power to make my day! If you write me something super nice or super crazy, I take screenshots and post them on my ko-fi page with responses!


	2. PLAYLIST

**V**

_bad guy _~ Billie Eilish

_Natural_ ~ Imagine Dragons

_The Run and Go_ ~ Twenty One Pilots

_If I Lose Myself_ ~ OneRepublic

_Dead and Gone_ ~ The Black Keys

_I Belong to You_ ~ Muse*

_Electric Feel_ ~ MGMT

_R U Mine?_ ~ Arctic Monkeys

_You're Still a Mystery_ ~ Bleachers / MØ

_Take Me Out_ ~ Franz Ferdinand

**V**

* * *

* The New Moon remix for obvious reasons


	3. FUNERAL

Hello! Welcome to the first full chapter of SAVAGE. Some of you may have read the first-look in the first story of this saga, RAVAGE, but that was only the first half! Don't skip to the second chapter, because you won't know what's going on!

For those of you new to this story, and have not read RAVAGE, I tried to give you a bit of recap in this chapter so you'll be able to keep up with us. If you'd like to go back and read RAVAGE to meet human Blaire and see how she interacts with a certain blond vampiric military soldier, check out my profile!

* * *

**1\. FUNERAL**

_I SUCKED IN BREATH AFTER_ shuttering breath, crying without exactly crying. There were no tears dripping down my face, no stuffy nose, no way to prove I was sobbing other than my disturbed gasping. There was no release in it, no relief, but I couldn't stop.

In a clearing, surrounded by the blood and gore of people – fucking _people_! I was forced to look at their remains with unnaturally powerful eyes. A fire, dying from the wind I'd caused in my flurry of thirst and rage, illuminated the scene in a dull orange light. My eyes could pick up everything else lost to the embers. Blood everywhere; soaking into the grass, plastering my clothes (leggings, a t-shirt, no shoes?), slicking along my skin, staining the fabric of torn tents and what had once been _their_ clothes. Body parts had been tossed; mangled organs trailed at my feet, limbs were tossed haphazardly and an arm hung off the crook of its elbow from a tree branch overhead, there was a finger to my left, and one of their heads was angled toward me, revealing an expression twisted in agony and horror. They'd been in so much pain. I _murdered_ them! – I finally remembered who I was and how I got here. It left me broken. Anguished.

Lives had been lost. Stolen. More lives than the ones taken by me. My uncle had been murdered as a test to see how I would react to his death, and the discovery of monsters that existed outside of horror books and movies. Then it was my mother, murdered as a consequence for changing the rules of a game I never wanted to play. She didn't even know why she'd been killed, because I was trying so hard to protect her from the truth. Then I was killed.

All because of the things that had been hunting me. They were the ones capable of such destruction, terror, and violence.

I was one of them now.

And I'd done what they had done to me.

The worst part was I wasn't even _aware_ of what I was doing until it was too late.

The _worst_ part was instead of overwhelming guilt or horror or sadness, I felt void. The faces, the screams, the bodies, all meant nothing beyond a means to an end.

I was a fucking monster. The cycle I thought I ended only started again at my hands.

And my throat still burned so raw. It was white hot, like the fire that'd been coursing through my veins when I was bitten –

It was done. My adversary, my stalker, my hunter, had won.

I lost everything.

All I wanted to do was drink now.

I dragged my tongue flat against my palms, lapping up the blood that still dribbled between the lines of my palms, equal parts disgusted and relieved by it. There was no control over this. My body moved on its own, instinct commanding my movements, shoving the rational part of me into a corner to belatedly process every action made.

"Is she crying?" a female voice carried through the forest, stopping me short. I whipped around.

A female slipped out of the trees, her wild hair as orange as the dying embers of the fire I'd just destroyed. I could see every spark of the fire dance in her crimson eyes as they widened with interest. "Oh my," she breathed.

Victoria.

My mother's murderer.

I could hear it now, the way she died. The sounds were muddled, muted, but I remembered them well enough. Her car tires squealing, her phone clattering, a _crash_, a scream, a _crack_ –

I bared my teeth and _snarled_ at her. The sound ripped from my throat and snapped in the air like a whip, vibrating within my chest in a deep, satisfying way that revealed the true scope of my rage. She was going to die. Now.

I threw myself at her –

And then I was thrown to the ground, hard. The earth crumbled around my ears as it gave way under me. Then _he_ stood over me. Stalker, hunter, murderer –

Creator.

James grinned at me, exposing teeth so white they seemed to glow in the darkness. Another snarl boiled in my throat as I surged upward, slamming my fist into his face –

_CRASH!_

The sound was like rocks colliding, making my ears ring, but I relished in watching James stumble – actually _stumble_ – to the side a few steps, before a set of steel arms locked around my own. I thrashed against them, roared and screamed, reared back to try and bite Victoria at her neck. James's laugh echoed in my head, my mind void of everything but hatred. I would kill them both for what they took –

"Do something James," Victoria spat through her teeth. "She's strong!"

James straightened up, massaging his jaw. Then he tugged it sharply – _crack!_ – before he smiled casually. "Then rip her arm off," he said.

What?

Victoria pushed me down, forcing me to my knees. Her hands were quick, wrapping themselves around my shoulders before I could get away from her, _pulling_ at my left arm –

It tore. It burned. Everything slowed down.

I screeched at the pain, tried to wrench myself out from Victoria's hold, but it only increased the pulling. My arm was on fire as if it alone was going through the transformation I only woke up from only half an hour ago. Thirty-three minutes ago. I was somehow keeping excellent time. What a way this was to wake up. I stared in horror as my wrist extended too far away from me –

"Hold," James said.

Victoria stopped. But it didn't stop the pain. It didn't stop me from screaming.

James crouched in front of me, his serene smile still in place as I choked on more sobs. He reached out and cupped my face in his hand. "She turned out well, didn't she?" James asked, his brighter red gaze flitting from my face to somewhere over me, no doubt to Victoria.

"She needs to be controlled," she said. "The mess she just made will lead him straight to us."

Him?

"You only get your first hunt once," James said. His smile faltered. "But of course you're right. Forgive me, but she promised me a monster. I wanted to see how well she would deliver."

I remembered that promise. It was bleary, but it was still one of my sharper memories. James holding me by my hair while I shoved a gun into his throat and fired –

Then he looked at me. I growled through my crying. Choked and gurgled as the sound was, I would still let him know my fury. He only smiled again. "And deliver you most certainly did. You're an artist, the way you painted this campsite in blood. Were you trying to impress me? If so, it worked."

It would be the last time I'd impress him, because it would be the last time I would touch a person like that. God, I _killed_ them!

He cocked his head to the side. "Having regrets? You shouldn't. Look at what we made." He grabbed my chin, forcing my head around to look at the campsite. "Look at what we created – _together_."

Blood staling in the air, soaking into the earth, parts of bodies thrown in chaos and abstraction. What we made was death.

When I breathed it in, my throat burned. I wasn't even satisfied.

How many more would it take until I was?

A countdown began somewhere in the back of my mind. Ticking down until I needed to do it all over again. It was moving so fast. My throat already hurt again, and I knew it would become unbearable in mere hours. _Hours_.

He did this on _purpose_. He let me go – _here_ – _knowing_ they were close –

"I just had to see what you were capable of," James went on, breezily.

"James," Victoria said sharply, drawing his attention over my head. I turned away from the camp, fury and shame running through me as much as the stolen blood. "We need to move."

"Yes, you're right," James agreed before looking down at me. "Blaire, while your little exposition was lovely, it did make quite a mess. It's going to leave a signal that your transformation is complete for the vampire closing in on our trail."

I tensed. A vampire was following us?

He gave me a knowing look. "Can you guess who it is?"

My last human memory bubbled to the forefront of my thoughts.

Through the haze of searing heat and pain, I saw _him_. The one haloed in gold. _He_ found me, in my last moments. _He_ tried to save me. But James held me back. _She's mine_, James said. _If you want her, you'll have to find her._

"_Blaire!_"

The way _he_ said my name was always so beautiful. So desperate.

Almost as desperate as I felt.

"Where is he?" I asked.

It was the first time I'd spoken since waking up, and so far it seemed like everything was different, including my own voice. It didn't sound the same anymore. It was sharper, brassy, and commanded attention like a military trumpet. Or maybe it was the same, and I was listening to it with new, more enhanced ears.

"Keeping his distance," James said, "but we know he's out here somewhere."

Somewhere. I strained every heightened sense for him in that moment, desperately hoping to come across anything that would tell me how close he was. Where was he? Where was he –? I could run to him! I _should_ –

When I tried to stand, Victoria pulled my arm. My shoulder _crackled_ – I could feel it splinter apart, sending fire straight through me. I screamed.

James tutted. "Ah-ah. Did you forget in the fire? We're at opposite sides, at the moment. Your mate isn't too happy that I turned you, but I'm sure he'll see the appeal of it soon enough. I'm hoping you'll be able to change his mind, actually."

Mate… The word stirred something within me, but I couldn't remember why. I didn't have time to focus on it, though, with James seeming so at ease with his plans. "What the hell are you talking about?" I snarled.

"The second part to my amendment," he answered easily. "Oh, Blaire, you're so loved, it's such a gift. It's even more of a gift when you attract such powerful vampires to you. Now, I know it's foolhardy to try and fight your mate – strong and savage as he is – but what if we could reason with him? Find a compromise? I won't let you go, Blaire, not when I've worked so hard on you, but that doesn't mean we have to keep you from your own mate. I'm not without a heart, you see."

Yes he was. We both were now. It didn't mean I still wouldn't try to rip it out of his chest.

"So let's find our compromise, Blaire," James said. "I could always do with expanding my coven. Convince your mate to join us, or we will."

The growl simmering in my chest boiled over. "He would _never_."

"You're still naïve," he said. "You don't quite yet understand the depth of devotion your mate has for you. You haven't yet seen the lengths he will go for you, and trust me, go he will. All it would take would be for you to simply ask him, but if you can't manage it, Victoria and I will have to make the effort ourselves."

"_No_ –"

My arm twisted again, contorting in an unnatural angle. I saw it coming, but knowing what would happen didn't brace me for the pain. Another screech of agony was ripped from me. My throat burned with the force of my screams and the ever-dwindling resistance to my thirst. When Victoria finally stopped, my head pounded and my skin prickled with lingering shocks of pain. I gasped for breath, almost gagging on the cold blood congealed in the air. Where was he? Where was he? Where was he? Where was he –?

James's grin was hard. "And you know when I make a point of wanting something, I get it."

Yes, he did. The honesty was a painful blow. I couldn't win against him. I fought so hard to beat him when he hunted me, tried to do everything to run away from him, but he was always sidestepping my plans – killing everyone I tried to run away from to protect. My uncle, my mom, Bella –

Bella! My best friend since childhood – Did she make it? Did she survive this –

Did I… Did I kill her in the melee? Were those people set there on purpose? Unbidden, the slaughtered human faces flitted across my forethoughts. They were unfamiliar to me. Unlucky bystanders. They weren't Bella.

That had to have meant she made it, right?

The more people that were involved in this, the more got hurt. Decisions had to be made _now_, and _fast_.

I had to hide the panic running through me. I couldn't show James or Victoria that fear, or the questions whirling through my mind. I couldn't show them any more weaknesses for them to exploit. I was stronger now. I could hide better.

I would do this alone.

I would find out what happened to my best friend one day. But it couldn't be here. It couldn't be now. But one day. One day I'd make sure to find out. I breathed through the pain and through the fog of old blood. I stared at James evenly.

"I'll do it," I lied.

I plotted. The last words I spoke before I died were clear enough in my memory to spear me onward. _I fucking dare you to change me, because when I wake up, you'll have the monster you wanted. It'll be the thing that ends you._

I was a monster now. I would end them all.

But I needed time. This body was strong, but it was new. I had to learn its new limits, balance its new strengths, and use them all to my advantage. And I was in the literal hands of my enemies. I had to learn their limits, too.

"Excellent girl," James approved, straightening up. "Victoria –"

She wrenched my shoulder back into place. I gasped and choked back any other noise of pain. I wouldn't show weakness. I pulled my aching arm close to me as she straightened up and bounded to James's side. "We need to go," she said.

"Yes, we do," James agreed. "How does Alaska sound?"

I stood up while Victoria's expression twisted in disgust. "What's in Alaska?" she asked.

"The rest of our wayward coven, of course!"

**V**

* * *

If you enjoy my writing and would like to support me in my creative endeavors, I've set up a ko-fi account (basically an online tip jar). The link, spelled out, _**is ko-fi dot com forward-slash TwitchWalkerTexasRanger**_. Please consider donating if you have some extra change and want to help your local Texas Ranger out!

I also appreciate comments! Your words have the power to make my day! If you write me something super nice or super crazy, I take screenshots and post them on my ko-fi page with responses! I just rounded up another batch of my favorite comments from the final chapters of RAVAGE, and have them posted on my ko-fi profile now!


	4. PATCHWORK

I did promise my double-update, and I will deliver!

I won't lie to you guys. These chapters were difficult for me to write. Despite making my plot-change, I'm still unsettled, but I think that's just because I've started this new story. I'm happy with the quality, though. I'm currently working on chapter three, and while it's coming together, it's doing so slowly. Combine that with writing an original work and editing another, I foresee a delayed (maybe like a Wednesday or Thursday) update in the near future.

* * *

**2\. PATCHWORK**

_RUNNING WAS EXHILARATING. SUBLIME._

It'd always been like that, though. Even when I was human, I loved to run. I loved the wind in my face, the feeling of absolute freedom, the way I could block everything else out and focus on putting one foot in front of the other.

After the blood, I was able to recognize myself in my own body in increments. I had more control now. I wasn't locked inside my own head. Every step felt like it belonged to me. The speed of which I moved was new, but it almost made things more… exciting? I could react so much faster than before, and I relished how I could turn on a dime and narrowly step past a massive tree. It barely took effort. It was like I was flying. And somehow, I didn't even feel like I was running as fast as I actually could.

But I still took it all in the same way I reacted when I was human. I rolled with the punches. I _adapted_. It was a comfort to know I was still _me_, despite everything. So much had changed, but I was still here. And here I would stay.

I think it was because I loved running when I was human, doing it as a vampire made me love it so much _more_. I saw everything I flitted past, heard everything stirring around me beyond my own footsteps and the rushing air, relished in the wind teasing my hardened yet sensitive skin. I loved being able to see the individual needles on pine trees, and the stars shining through thin cloud cover. It reminded me of when I used to travel at these speeds as a human, carried by someone I was the same as now.

Thinking about him was a wonderful distraction, a welcome one. I compared the power in my new strides to the memory of his. If we raced, would I beat him? His speed always seemed so unfathomable to my weaker senses, but now… maybe things would be different. How much would things change when I finally saw him again?

The width of his broad shoulders under my arm, hard like stone, might feel different under my new fingers. Would _he_ feel it, if I twisted my fingers in his golden hair and _pulled_ him close –

What the hell? I choked on the overwhelming wave of longing that rushed through me, hating the way it twisted uncomfortably in my chest like a living, writhing thing that couldn't be calmed. It was strange, intense, confusing, and even more confusing because I somehow already knew it wouldn't go away until I saw him.

I wished – desperately, _hopelessly_ wished – I was running with him now instead of the vampires flanking my sides.

I tried to block James and Victoria's mere existences out, but it was hard when my overanalytical mind always kept tabs on them. My brain measured how many feet they kept between us, noted how Victoria would take to the trees and wind through the branches in order to scout ahead. She used her entire body to move – hands and feet and arms and legs and her middle – unlike anything I'd ever seen. It was like parkour, but so much more… elegant.

I hated the moments when my thoughts would take an appreciative turn in favor of her speed and dexterity. I hated the curiosity that crawled forward, wanting to learn from her so I could do it too –

I had to remind myself that she probably ran through the trees the same way when she hunted down my mom. When she killed her.

Anger crackled within me like a low burning fire, along with a devastating grief even my sharper mind had trouble fully processing. I needed more time until I could come to terms with all the death I'd faced when I was human. For now, I wanted Victoria dead and I wanted James dead too. With James convinced he won it all, that the game was now over, that there were no more moves to be made, he would be content. It would be the perfect time to start my own game.

But… did it even matter? I'd been turned. I'd already taken human lives. And while I knew what they looked like, and how afraid they had to have been, and the reason why it was all wrong was obvious, the _feeling_ of guilt was hazy. Still, I fought for it. I desperately clung to it just when I thought it would allude me while I found myself drowning in the complete newness of the world I'd been born into.

The desire to even _hold_ onto that guilt itself was always, quickly, squashed by my newborn rationale. Blood was part of my existence. Vampires killed humans. If anything, I should be mad at _James_ for putting me so close to them, when he knew what I'd do to them when I woke up. Killing those people only served to his end. It was the final nail in a hilariously ironic coffin that closed on whatever had been left of my humanity. There was nothing left now. I became the monster he wanted.

Everything was lost.

But… I couldn't _not_ try again. I couldn't _not_ start a new game. Not when I needed to end it on my own terms so badly.

So I kept a firm hold of my guilt. It was the only form of rebellion I could have. For now.

To win I'd have to be stronger. And I'd have to drink more blood.

My throat flared with pain. It'd been only hours since I last hunted, but the countdown in my head started forcing its way to my forethoughts, like when I was human and held my breath too long. I could _feel_ the darkness that'd been born within me stir as I found myself focusing on the sounds of heartbeats while I ran.

I needed to _drink_.

There. I could hear thunderous hooves and wet, thumping heartbeats of elk running away from us and further into the forest to my right. The tang of their blood hit my palette in a different way than the humans' had. Their taste was dull and earthy compared to the full-bodied warmth I'd woken up to. I already made up my mind to get used to it, though. I wouldn't create another nightmare, even though I didn't know if it mattered anymore. I veered from our path –

A cool rush of air buffeted my side to the right, forcing me away from my next kill. I skidded to a stop, my bare feet digging shallow trenches into the damp soil. It amazed me with how easy it was. I didn't even trip or stumble over myself. One moment I was moving, the next I wasn't. "What are you doing?" James asked, his tone airy and light as if we were having a casual conversation. As if we were _friends_.

"Didn't you say a newborn's bloodlust is insatiable?" I demanded through my teeth. We'd been sprinting for miles, and I wasn't even out of breath. I was also surprised that I'd recalled such information from my human memories with ease. It was like anything I learned relating to vampires had been carefully stored away while I was changed, ingrained within me like instincts. "I want more. I need to hunt –"

"And hunt you shall, but there isn't anything around here for miles –"

"You mean _anyone_?" I demanded. "I'm not going to touch another person. I'm _not_ doing what you did to me to anyone else again."

In that moment, I couldn't decide what I loved more: defiance or blood.

Not even a second ticked by. Blood. Blood won. It would always win.

James smirked. "That's such an easy thing to say when you aren't around them," he said. Then he stepped to the side and held his arm out. "But I suppose teenagers will be teenagers. Go on then. Try it. See if their blood will satisfy you the way a human's can. There's only one way to find out."

I darted past him, not slowing down until I was deep under the cover of more trees. I didn't hear him follow me, or Victoria, but I had a feeling it was because they knew I wouldn't run away from them. Maybe James knew I couldn't leave him while I knew he was still alive.

Did that mean my game wasn't so secret? A small part of me hoped so. I didn't want to kill James in a moment of surprise. I wanted him to see it coming, to dread it, to _suffer_, just like I had to when I was alive.

Oh, I would make sure he suffered.

I slipped around trees like a midnight breeze, tracking the scent of blood and the sound of beating hearts through the darkness. It was harder to get a grasp on this trail and follow it. This blood was wrong, it wasn't what I wanted, but it was what I _needed_. I wouldn't allow myself to drink anything else. Not now. Not ever again.

My pride – my rebellion – counted on it.

But my new instincts still craved new sustenance. I relived the warmth, the taste, the feeling of _completion_ I'd never known until I destroyed that campsite and those humans. It was so good – _so good_ – good enough to outweigh the faces and screams if I would just _let it_ –

A tiny growl slipped out of my throat at my frustration. I frowned at it and distracted myself. What the hell was up with all the new, random noises I could make now anyway? I probably didn't sound any better than a stray cat.

But then I saw the elk huddled among the trees, let myself become distracted again. Some grazed, some slept, some kept watch for predators like me. I breathed slowly. Their smell was earthy – too earthy. Almost like dirt. But I could still taste the blood. That was enough to set me off.

I lost myself to instinct.

Blood. Everywhere. Again.

I drank it. I bathed in it. I exulted it as it skittered through my dry veins, sending me buzzing with a frenzied high that spurred me on to finish off an entire herd of fifteen oversized deer in a matter of minutes.

_Minutes_.

What had I become?

And as I drank and maimed and killed, more memories became clear to me. Hot desert sun, James snapping at me, me screaming in the back of a dark car, devastating grief, pain. Not physical pain like the dryness of my throat, but something deeper. It twisted in my chest. I choked out a sob, and I choked on blood.

I lost so much. Would it ever end?

It was _off_ – the blood. There was a sour aftertaste in it that reminded me of bad milk. I wanted to recoil, but the need for it was too strong to resist. I physically _couldn't_. But that was a good thing, wasn't it? I had to get used to it at some point, defiance came with a price. I had to start now when the pull for anything with a pulse was so intense.

Something moved in the forest ahead of me.

I froze.

I heard it out there, but when I looked into the trees, I saw nothing. I frowned.

Then a softness caressed me. I didn't feel it on my skin, but _inside_ me. It eased the frustration that coiled my muscles so tight and lifted the grief twisting and writhing inside of me. It was still there, but it was like someone was supporting the weight of it. It was a light, joyous thing. Relief. It was relief.

The emotion wasn't mine.

I knew I didn't deserve to feel that way, but I clung to it anyway. I clung to him.

He was somewhere out there in the woods. Close. Watching me. Did that mean he saw what I'd done? That he saw me – the monster? Did he hate it? Would he hate _me_? I couldn't see him anywhere, but it didn't stop me from reaching for him with my need. I needed him. I needed to go to him – to be with him – I was so, so afraid of it all –

Another emotion answered me. It was gentle and soothing, but so heavy it pressed hard on my chest. It would have crushed me if I were human. I didn't exactly know what the emotion was, but it wasn't hatred, it wasn't disgust, and that was enough for now. He was out there, I _needed_ him –

"Well?" James's voice cracked everything in half. I whirled around to face him, the emotions swirling within me and around me snapping. Disappearing. No… "How was it?"

I could run away now, if I wanted to. I could turn around and run out of James's grasp and land right in _his_. I knew I could do it. I was so much faster now.

James cocked his head to the side when I didn't say anything. "Blaire?"

But if I ran away now, it would only prolong the inevitable. I would never be able to live and know he and Victoria did too. This would end. And it would end soon.

I grinned at him wide, hoping I bared all my bloodied teeth to him. "Unexpectedly perfect," I said.

He didn't look pleased. "How wonderful. We need to get back to our trail. Victoria is getting anxious that I've left you alone for so long."

She should be.

They _both_ should be.

Just before I could rejoin them on their trail, I felt the whisper of a feeling. A tingle of anticipation. Excitement.

Without words, he knew that I hadn't given up yet. That I was only getting started. My smile softened.

**V**

_AS WE RAN_ through thickening forest, beyond civilization and into mountains. Now that I was a vampire, doing things like running cross-country in the wilderness proved about the same difficulty level as walking down a sidewalk when I was human. I could _think_ while moving as fast as a car on the highway. I could piece things together. I could plan.

It would happen in Alaska. That was where we were going now, so James could take the other member of his coven back. I remembered the male's bleary form in the baseball field, but not his name. It felt like such a long time ago. Why was he there again?

Most of my planning involved trying to remember minute details from my human life, pull them from the muddy waters and add it to a sort of patchwork quilt of a plan. The pieces were messy and uneven, but they were there. I racked my brain for hours, making sure I got every detail just right.

Then we hit a road.

It was a desolate stretch of highway carved out of rocks and forest, soaked by a thick mist that had rolled into the world only fifteen minutes earlier. James lifted a hand, forcing Victoria and I to skid to a stop at his sides. The world was quiet, except for the rumbling of an engine that sounded distant even to my own ears.

"Blaire," James said.

I didn't answer him. I didn't need to.

"You're going to give us another demonstration."

**V**

* * *

If you enjoy my writing and would like to support me in my creative endeavors, I've set up a ko-fi account (which is essentially an online tip jar). The link, spelled out, is _**ko-fi dot com forward-slash TwitchWalkerTexasRanger**_. Please consider donating if you have some extra change and want to help your local Texas Ranger out!

I also appreciate comments! Your words have the power to make my day! If you write me something super nice or super crazy, I take screenshots and post them on my ko-fi page with responses!


	5. THE START

Hooray for another update!

Sorry for the delay. Life's been kind of hectic between original projects, family issues, and now some new issues with my job. The stress has definitely put a damper on my creative energy. But future Mr. TwitchWalkerTexasRanger and I are going on a short trip this upcoming weekend, and I'm looking forward to some beach reading.

This chapter didn't really flow well at first, either. I think out of everyone, I'm the most excited to see Jasper again, but we still have a bit more plot to go before that can happen. Ugh. I hate plot. And slow-burn romances. Why did I do this to myself...?

* * *

**3\. THE START**

_ANOTHER DEMONSTRATION? WHAT THE HELL_ was that supposed to mean?

The truck was getting closer.

But a breeze came first, carrying the scent of chalky exhaust, the tang of gasoline, and… and… and…

My throat flared. It was like the elk I just killed had no effect on my thirst.

I tried to fight it. I managed to recoil a few steps back, but it wasn't enough. I tried to turn and run from it, but a set of steel arms held me in place, forced me to turn back to the road. I held my breath, straining to keep myself still, to _not_ chase that scent down and mangle and kill and drink –

James stepped in front of me, a wicked smile on his face. I hated it so, _so_ much. I snarled at him, allowing the noise to escape me in all its feral glory. It echoed throughout the empty stretch of road that wouldn't be empty for much longer.

"Magnificent," he approved. "I love how you turned out. Don't you, Victoria?"

Victoria said nothing. She hadn't spoken since the clearing. Even in the haze of my desire for blood, I filed the small observation away. It could be important.

James's smile at her hardened. Why? Was he mad at Victoria? Frustrated? _Why_? It was only another thing I could notice, another question I didn't have an answer for.

The engine barreled ever closer. James looked down at me. "I can see you fighting, Blaire. You're doing so good, trying to abstain. That coven protecting you would be so proud. Don't you even want to breathe?"

Of course I wanted to. More than anything. My lungs twinged with discomfort, but I held on.

He tutted at me. "Blaire, come now. You aren't with that coven anymore. You don't have to pretend to be something you're not. We both know the darkness living inside you."

Darkness… that's what I was now, wasn't it? A thing of night, an unspeakably evil thing. "Only because of _you_." The words came out between my teeth.

James smirked. "That's what you think. Make her breathe."

Sharp pressure hit the back of one of my legs, making me fall to my knees. Both of my arms were wrenched behind my back, and Victoria grabbed my hair. The memory of James doing the same before I died, before I shot him, before I was _bitten_ –

My eyes widened before she yanked it back –

I gasped, forcing air and scent into my lungs. Blood cut through the dirt and grime of whatever car the human drove. I could feel the slickness of it on my tongue and burn down my throat. I shuddered, feeling my rationale slip under depths of instinct and thirst. "That's better, isn't it?" James asked.

I lurched forward –

"Not yet," James commanded, his voice cutting through the haze filling my thoughts. "Not until I allow it. Breathe."

No, I couldn't breathe! Not again! My throat already hurt so much. Taking another breath would be like raking it through coals. The desire to track down the blood was strong, but maybe it would go away if I stopped breathing. I wouldn't breathe. I _wouldn't_. I clenched my jaw shut and glared at James.

His lips twitched infinitesimally. Then he was on me, fingers tightened around my throat, squeezing it – _choking_ me – pain – It forced me to suck in a shallow breath, as if I still needed air.

Burning. So much burning. I was losing control.

"Again," James said. He seemed to be losing that good humor of his.

I didn't breathe again like he wanted. Instead, I smirked at him. I wanted to make that good humor disappear.

His hold on my neck tightened. I bared my teeth in spite of the pain. Tiny cracks splintered in my ears. Fire raced across the outside of my throat now, too. I had to breathe again.

I lost myself to the blood.

The roar of the engine was deafening in my ears now. I lunged for it. I barely made one step before James shoved me back. Another growl snapped from my blistered throat. "You'll breathe for me again," he said.

I wanted to cry at the pain, at the _need_. I was wild now. I couldn't be stopped. I didn't want to be stopped!

"Breathe, Blaire," James said.

I did it that time without a fight.

Delicious pain powdered my tongue and shot down my throat. This was torture. It had to be. I was going _insane_!

"Give me a show."

I shot out into the road, right into the path of a logging truck. Its bright yellow and chrome grill barreled down on me. The source of the blood was inside. I charged for it.

Tires screeched as I jumped up and pounced on the hood of the truck, bracing myself on the side mirror on the passenger side and the groove between the hood and windshield. It gave me a perfect view of the man at the driver's seat, staring at me in horror as he tried to brake. The truck jostled as it fishtailed, but I kept my balance. I could hear his heartbeat pounding through the chaos.

I lunged forward and broke through the windshield. The man screamed as I crawled over the passenger seat and center console. I pressed myself into his side, wrapping my fingers around his head, angling it to the side – _crack!_

Oh God.

My teeth tore through his flesh. Warmth rushed over my lips, chin, neck, and flooded my mouth. All while I drank, another car accident that sounded a lot like this replayed in the far reaches of my mind. Tires squealing, metal crunching, my mother's scream, the sharp _crack!_ of her own neck when Victoria killed her.

Around me, the truck swerved violently, it tipped, clattering echoed in my ears, metal crunched, I was flung out –

I didn't release my kill. I drank and drank even as I toppled over him in wet grass and mud. I didn't let go until I had my fill. Smoke filled my nose and throat as I indulged. I made myself at home in the chaos.

I looked down at the corpse beneath my hands, once again red with blood. His face was contorted with the scream I'd left choked in his throat when I broke his neck in half. At least he died before we flew out of the truck. At least he died quickly, and I didn't make him suffer. But that still didn't make the act of killing him merciful.

It was still monstrous, just like me.

I was only done with the driver when the air cleared, and I could see James and Victoria on the other side of the road through thin streaks of smoke. James looked like he was trying to smile, but with how widely he did it, it looked more like he was trying to bare his teeth. Victoria was crouched behind him, her expression deadpan. Focused.

Fuck games, I wanted them _dead_.

I threw myself across the narrow strip of road that separated me from them. Through acidic smoke and rage, I charged for their necks.

But when I crossed the road, I slid to a stop, placing myself inches from James.

"How was that?" I asked.

I kept perfectly still as James reached out and brushed his knuckles along my lower lip. His touch was featherlight, sending prickles of discomfort through me. "Breathtaking," he said. "Your ending was only slightly forced."

I smirked as he pulled his hand away. I couldn't wait for the time I would be able to rip it from his arm. It couldn't be now, though. I still had to wait. For now, I hoped I looked enthusiastic and winning. I hoped I looked like a prize. _His_ prize.

I had a feeling I succeeded when Victoria still said nothing, watching the exchange with too-focused eyes. I could practically see through them and the thoughts bouncing around in her head. Just as I suspected, there was a reason for her silence, and it had to do with me.

**V**

_THE HUMAN BLOOD_ roaring in my veins made the world burst out in pure brilliance. It was beautiful, it made me wonder if I'd ever paid attention to anything when I was human, and it was going to drive me _insane_.

Sunlight, even filtered through the clouds, sparkled along every reflective surface. The drying dew on leaves, the mineral in rocks, the eyes of animals all glinted harshly back at me. _Everything_ had to be noticed, analyzed, and accounted for. I would dart past a tree, but not before my mind counted the branches or the pattern of the bark. Every sound from rustling undergrowth in a breeze and flapping wings had to be filed away for reference. I didn't know why I would ever need to remember them, but _just in case_ I did, I would know them. The strides of James and Victoria were counted and timed, which I thought was more important, until it was done to the point of excess. After running with them for hours, I knew I would be able to pick out their steps with my eyes closed.

Running wasn't enough of a distraction anymore. The thrill was gone since I had literally everything else assaulting my mind. I flew through the forest and navigated rockier terrain with ease, even though I felt like I was being overloaded with information. Even though it all made me want to explode. I needed release. I needed a break, just for a minute, just for a _second_ –

I picked up on the sound of water, lapping against land. I charged for it.

"Blaire –"

The lapping sounds belonged to a large lake, hidden among trees and rocks. It was completely isolated from the rest of the world. It was salvation.

Despite the overcast sky, I could still see the bottom through crystal clear water. I didn't stop running.

I pushed off the ground at the bank and vaulted myself into the air. Wind whipped past my ears and ripped through my matted hair, and then I dropped. I plunged into the depths of the lake.

Icy water swept up to meet me at all sides, making my lungs tighten. I flailed for a second, until I realized I wasn't drowning. I couldn't drown, because I didn't need to breathe. I could stay down here forever, if I wanted to.

For a moment, everything was quiet. I was suspended in the stillness of a cold void.

I opened my eyes wide, taking in the new grayish blue-tinted world I entered. It was deep, easily twenty feet, and filled with smooth stones and large tree trunks. It looked so different from the world I left above. I could still hear it, but the sounds were muted. Tolerable. It made me wonder if mermaids were real, but they were actually just vampires that couldn't stand the surface.

I angled and twisted my body to swim down to the bottom. Nothingness pressed against me at all sides, a dull white noise flooding my ears kept reality at bay. The only thing moving around me were the thin streams of blood leeching away from my body and clothes, tinting the space around me in pink.

It was still peaceful. Numbing. Lifesaving. I clung to it.

I turned on my back and let myself drift under the water, squinting at the harsh sunlight glinting down through the rippling surface. At the body pouncing into my own personal haven. Shattering it.

Victoria, in nothing but a bra and underwear, pumped her thin legs and arms through the water to meet me. Her red eyes and hair were stark contrasts to the cool hues surrounding us. Did I look like that? I remembered that Victoria had chosen me when I was human because I looked like her. Her hair had been brighter than mine, then, but maybe it was different now. What would happen when I eventually saw my face? Would I still see me, or the monster she and James turned me into?

Victoria reached out and grabbed my arm before twisting her body around and pulling both of us to the surface. I let her, because I wouldn't be able to exact my revenge if I decided to become a water-dwelling monster forever. A few, blissful seconds to reset had been enough. For now.

Cold air slapped my wet face, and I gasped while treading water. All of the sounds and sights rushed back to me, and I was forced into my nightmare again.

"It will get easier," Victoria said, smoothing her hair back over her head. "Your senses are still adapting. You can have a moment, but we will have to move on soon."

I tipped backwards and let myself float on my back, submerging my ears underwater. Time slipped past, seconds ticking by into minutes of silence that I kept track of with ease. I was acutely aware of Victoria treading water near me. Even though my eyes were closed, I knew she was staring at me.

"Am I not what you expected?" I asked. I twisted back to treading water so I could meet her eyes. She stared back at me evenly.

"No," she said.

Good. I hoped I was a disappoint to her. I cocked my head to the side. "Do I make you nervous?"

She smirked. "Don't flatter yourself."

"There has to be some reason you haven't said much since I woke up," I said.

"You aren't the only one adapting."

I glared at her. "I guess motherhood isn't all it's cracked up to be." I didn't bother dulling the snarl edging my words. "Some people just can't hack it."

Her eyes narrowed.

"But my mom could," I went on, chest rumbling. "She was kind and gentle, and everything good that you'll _never_ be."

My rage spun beautiful, terrifying images in my head. I fantasized about dragging Victoria down to the depths of the water and ripping her apart, spreading her limbs throughout the entire lake. Or maybe I would make it so she couldn't move and trap her under the water. I'd force her to stare up at the sun and make her feel as hopeless about escaping her prison as she made me. I wanted her to suffer. How could I make her suffer?

"And what will you do about it?" Victoria asked.

My worst. I would make her regret ever laying eyes on me.

She smirked. "You're so obvious. You think you can finally kill us because you're one of us now? You're still _weak_, Blaire. Helpless. One step behind. What do you think James has been doing, while we've been here, and you've been obsessing over the millions of ways to kill me here and now? We still have coven members to collect besides Laurent in Alaska."

My eyes widened.

I flailed and thrust myself out of the water before breaking into a dead sprint through the woods.

**V**

* * *

If you enjoy my writing and would like to support me in my creative endeavors, I've set up a ko-fi account (which is essentially an online tip jar). The link, spelled out, is _**ko-fi dot com forward-slash TwitchWalkerTexasRanger**_. Please consider donating if you have some extra change and want to help your local Texas Ranger out!

I also appreciate comments! Your words have the power to make my day! If you write me something super nice or super crazy, I take screenshots and post them on my ko-fi page with responses!


	6. VIOLENCE

Oh no, look out, long author's note ahead...

HUGE SHOUT OUT ALERT! I want to reach out and thank Krista a second time here for her donation to my ko-fi! I was legitimately having a whole existential crisis over my writing in general (which happens every other month or so) and the notification I got that said you supported me seriously made my day. Like, seriously. Writing for me has been such a solitary, soul-searching process as I continue to strive and do better with my craft, and sometimes I get very bogged down by everything. I'm trying to make writing books my career, and sometimes I feel like I'm not good enough. This past week has been especially brutal for me, and this notification was like a flicker of life. I'm so grateful, Krista. You've given me a boost to my confidence I desperately needed. Thank you.

In regard to my ko-fi account, I had a guest comment asking about my posting about the page and its existence at the bottom of every chapter. I addressed this on my ko-fi account, but for everyone who doesn't check the page often or even at all, I wanted to reiterate stuff here.

I'M NOT ASKING YOU GUYS TO PAY ME TO WRITE THIS FANFICTION. That would be completely against copyright laws and a thousand percent illegal. The commenter tried to use "payments" and "donations" within the same category, BUT THOSE ARE TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THINGS. Payments are what is given for a service or product by obligation. Donations are what is given after the result of a service or product, beyond obligation. As I specify at the bottom of every chapter, ko-fi is a **_tip jar_**. If you would like to leave a **_donation_** for me because you enjoy me creating, that's seriously awesome and amazing and means the whole world to me because your author pal here is a starving artist, but IT IS NOT A REQUIREMENT. AT ALL. So, at the end of the day, you guys still get my content for free. Does this make sense? I hope this doesn't come across as waspish, but I do want to set the record straight, and if anyone has further questions, please don't hesitate to let me know!

ANYWAYS, I'm so, so, so, so, so sorry for the delay of this update. Life and work and original projects are a struggle bus and I'm doing my best to keep up. This chapter was also agonizing to write, and I think it's because I miss Jasper so much. You guys don't even understand. WHRE IS HE? Also, the ever-amazing Tumblr user **READINGISLOVING** made a banner for SAVAGE (and I'm mad that you didn't even tell me omg) so you should totally check that out. IF YOU MAKE ANY KIND OF FAN ART FOR THIS STORY PLEASE LET ME KNOW BECAUSE I WOULD LIKE TO SEE IT.

For a general update, I've been _not_ working on SAVAGE in order to edit one of my original works. I'm trying to get it polished up in time for a big writing contest on Twitter known as Pitch Wars. Has anyone heard of it here? I'm really excited about just having the opportunity to enter this year. Even if I don't get accepted, I'll at least have another manuscript ready to query future agents! I'm super nervous, because I have about six chapters left to revise, and then I have to work on an official query letter and synopsis. Let me tell you guys, it's kinda terrifying.

Speaking of terrifying, enjoy this chapter!

* * *

**4\. VIOLENCE**

I tore through the forest, bounding over rocks and narrowly dodging trees. I forced my senses to open themselves up wide for any sign of James. Or any sign of struggle.

Stupid, stupid, _stupid_! How could I have been such an idiot? How could I let myself become so distracted?! I knew I wasn't safe, and that no one around me was safe until I killed James and Victoria once and for all, but I couldn't have a moment? Just one second of peace?

The answer was obviously no. People drowning only felt peace in the seconds before they died. And leaving _him_ out there, with James, alone –

Clearly, dying taught me nothing. I was still the same as I had been before. I was still running into James's plans, still scrambling to make sure everyone I cared about was safe, still willing to do anything to make sure they wouldn't have to pay the price for these vampires' obsession.

Over the course of the near forty-eight hours I spent with them, I could pick up James's scent. I could taste the thin trail of citrus and musk that constantly radiated from him amongst the moss and damp of the Pacific Northwest. It was faint, but bright enough to follow.

I found him in a clearing, surrounded by towering trees. He spun around himself, a snarl set on his usually congenial features. Something set him off. Someone was pissing him off. Good. Nothing had happened yet. Nothing was going to, now that I was here.

My mind was made up on my next step. When I was human, waiting for the opportune time had gotten me nowhere. I needed to act. _Now_. I pumped my legs hard once, twice, three times, four –

I launched myself out into the clearing with a primal screech. Overwhelming rage consumed me, the anger I kept tucked close to my chest was finally released. I'd never felt so free.

I tackled James to the ground, and I let myself go. In seconds, whatever humanity I had left was swept up into a space in the back of my mind, held in a safe space above water while the rest of me plunged into fury.

My fingers dug into his skin, gripping, pulling. Loud squeals and cracks filled my ears as I tore at his flesh. I was breaking him. I was winning. Why was I so scared? I could hear my manic, frenzied laugh over James's building growl that seemed to shake the very air around me. Terror gripped at my chest with icy fingers. I wasn't winning. I was out of my element. Again.

James grabbed my shoulders and flung me off of him. I flew across the clearing, tumbling across the ground. I upturned earth and sparse undergrowth, catching myself by clawing into soil. My breathing was fast and heavy as I kept my eyes open wide and focused wholly on James.

He pulled himself upright in seconds, yanking off the remaining scraps I left of his shirt. It exposed the broadness of his chest, the cracks and divots I made in his body, and his absolute strength I wasn't prepared for. And I would have to fight him, or die trying.

Well, it was too late to go back now.

I bared my teeth at him, scrambling back on all fours as he advanced on me. Memories flashed at the forefront of my thoughts of a moment just like this, except blurrier and darker, in a ballet studio far away from here. The fear and helplessness settling in the pit of my stomach I felt was the same as it had been before. So much had changed, yet so much was still the same.

"So, you do know that he's out there," James said. "Does he know how well we've taken care of you? Does he know everything you've done since you've woken anew?"

Did he? Did he know that I killed all of those people at the campsite by myself? Or did he see the truck I singlehandedly turned over just so I could kill its driver? Did he know that I wasn't the same girl I used to be anymore? That girl had been left behind in Forks on a soccer field. All the lighthearted optimism I once held for life and the world remained with her like some kind of gravestone, so I could at least see her in my mind's eye. Did he know there was only a writhing, wicked, monstrous thing left in that girl's shell now?

And it was all James's fault.

James shrugged. The simple rise and fall of his shoulders was enough to make me take a few steps back. I held my body close to the ground, the tips of my fingers brushing along the cool, damp earth, ready to spring at a moment's notice. When James smiled, he flashed his teeth, displaying the threat he truly was. "Does he know how easily it was for you to become the violence?"

I snarled at him, the noise unfurling from my chest and breaking the air in half. "Maybe we should show him."

I threw myself at James. Wind whistled through my ears before the deafening collision made them ring. My hands fisted into his body, trying to tear at everything I could at once, my teeth sinking into his once perfect skin. I would break it. I would break him. I knocked him into the ground, rolling over ferns and roots with feral snarls growls. James was right. I was the violence now. I would show him. I would show the world what I was capable of.

But James was just as cruel, and he didn't make the same mistake twice. While I went for the same goal of trying to tear him apart by any means, he'd somehow entangled his limbs in mine, contorted himself to bring his knees up. Then he kicked both feet into my chest.

I flew back. My back hit the trunk of a pine tree, and an earsplitting _CRACK!_ sent both the tree and I downwards. I barely felt it, but the world did spin for a moment. It was a moment too long, because it gave James the opportunity to walk toward me. His arms were raised, ready to bring them down on top of me with a roar –

I skittered out of the way, dirt clods flying in my wake as I desperately clambered around trees. I tried to put as much space in between us as I could. I knew I needed enough room to lunge at James again. Despite my new strength, he had ways of outmaneuvering me when we were close. To beat him, I'd have to throw my weight and _keep_ pressing.

"Your eyes betray your mind, Blaire!" James said. I glanced back and slowed down when I realized he was upright and only walking behind me. Even though he looked relaxed, it didn't relax me. I wouldn't drop my guard for a second. I stayed low to the ground, my muscles taut and screaming for release. "And I see how your thoughts _race_. You're learning!"

He sounded so happy. I bared my teeth at him.

He grinned at me. "Are you finally learning the truth? Are you finally seeing that _this_ was what you were always meant for?"

He took another step closer to me, putting us ten feet apart. He spread his arms wide. I immediately sprung out of the way, rolling through the foliage until I was twenty feet away. I crouched in the ferns as a low hiss boiled up my throat.

But James hadn't tried to advance. His arms were still out, and his _smile_ – It was like he'd achieved enlightenment. It was like he was inviting me to do the same. My skin prickled with disgust.

"The ruthlessness in you, your rage – It was always so wasted in your human form," James went on, lowering his arms. "You were never able to be who you truly were."

I rolled my eyes while I waited for him to move, to do something – anything. All his talking was driving me insane.

James tilted his head to the side. "I wouldn't have chosen you if I didn't know your darkness. You know that. You've already proven it over and over again, whether you wanted to or not. Don't you remember sending one of your little classmates to the hospital? Victoria could smell the blood you spilt from her vantage point outside of the school in the nearby forest."

The memory was hazy and red, filled with nothing but rage and blood. My throat burned for it all the same. I hated it.

"Don't you remember the way you swore you'd kill me?" James pressed. "Bloodstained and broken, you still tried to end it all then and there. You were so angry that asked me to bite you – to turn you into the thing you hate… just to end me."

My fingers curled into the earth. It was true, wasn't it? Didn't I _dare_ him to make that bite? Yes, because I'd been so tired of feeling helpless. I wanted power. I wanted to claim it in whatever way I could.

James's smile hardened at the edges when he seemed to realize my thoughts, too. "After that, how could I not turn you? My monster had been unleashed, and you had never been more beautiful. You're still exquisite, when you embrace it. Your savagery carried you so far, child. It carried you through death. It carried you to _me_."

Had it really been there this whole time? Before this new life? Before I even met James?

"Why do you fight it?" James asked.

I frowned. Then I straightened up. "Honestly…" I admitted, "I don't know anymore."

Holding back certainly never won out in my favor. If I could only win by embracing my darkest impulses, I would accept them with open arms.

I would start by killing James. If he thought my killing a few innocent people was exquisite, then I'd let him die thinking I was a vision of divinity.

I glanced up at the treetops as an image of Victoria bounding from branches flashed through my mind, along with an idea.

The forest flew under my feet. My hands grappled the thickest trunk I could find, and I pulled myself up. The movements were so easy, the strength just as natural. My chest heaved as I pulled in breath after breath, tasting James's scent, tracking it when my eyes only caught blips of his form through the lush greenery. He hadn't moved from his spot, staring up at me with a glimmer in his red, red eyes. I twisted my body around and dropped on him.

This would end here.

The ground, and James, came up at me fast –

Then a weight dropped on top of me. James disappeared.

I crashed into the ground.

Silence enveloped the forest.

I choked on the smell of earth crushing my nose and filling my mouth. I clawed at the dirt, but the weight on top of me kept me from moving. I twisted my head to the side, gasping for fresher air, and caught a flash of orange out of the corner of my eye. Victoria.

She grabbed one of my arms and wrenched it uncomfortably behind my back. Panic shot through me. I flailed against her.

James sighed. "And here I thought we were making a breakthrough."

I tried to stifle the rapid rise and fall of my chest as I sucked in lungfuls of air, pulling in every part of the forest at dizzying speeds. My lungs were expanding so fast, I thought they would explode. I still tried to pull away from Victoria, but she pressed her knee into my back, pinning me to the ground.

"I thought you would see what we were achieving together, Blaire," James went on, always talking. Always trying to make some elaborate point that no one would understand except for him. "I wanted you to understand on your own, but if this is how it's going to be… You see how I can't entertain that forever, don't you?"

What?

"Maybe I've been too lenient with you," James mused, as if to himself. "Too indulgent of your tantrums. I thought if I gave you enough time, you would understand. But we don't have much time left. Not when we're on a schedule and have a few… pressures on us. Perhaps you need to learn what the alternative is if you don't join us willingly."

Victoria's weight suddenly left me. Before I could move, I was trapped under someone much heavier. My arm twisted a little more. It didn't hurt, but it scared me enough to pull a frightened scream from me.

James's fingers brushed the hair that had gotten in my face away from my eyes, exposing him looming over me. "I'll settle for an ultimatum," he said. "Call your mate out now, or I'll finish what we started at the campsite."

He… He was going to rip off my arm.

I thrashed against him, but it was no use. I thought I was supposed to be strong! But James had wrenched my body at an awkward angle, forcing me to not have enough weight anywhere to use to my advantage. I was trapped –

A sharp _crack!_ made my shoulder buckle and sent fire through my entire arm. I jolted at the sudden pain and screamed.

It was fire – all fire racing through my arm. I didn't even have the time to catch my breath when James twisted again, pulling another shriek from me.

"Call him," James goaded me while I panted. "He's waiting."

"No!" I screamed. I couldn't. I _wouldn't_ put anyone else in more danger because of me. I wouldn't give James the satisfaction of manipulating any more people.

People… Were we even still people? The question inexplicably drew me to a muddled memory of a room full of desks under harsh lights as I glared into golden eyes. I'd asked that question before… hadn't I?

Just like before, I corrected myself. There were no people anymore. We were all monsters here.

James pulled my arm again, pulling me back to present, forcing liquid fire from my shoulder down the rest of my body. I screamed through clenched teeth. I flailed, but my body barely moved. I pulled in large gulps of air, flecks of dirt flying into my lungs.

Those golden eyes had been so desperate the last time I saw them, black with hunger and despair. I tried to let myself get swept up in a memory of buttery yellow – of some place peaceful and safe compared to the pain and terror threatening to swallow me whole.

Rage and desperation slammed into me, curling around every nerve in my body, the desire to fight and the _need_ for it so strong it numbed the pain in my shoulder. Such desperation. Such need rattled me and echoed in my bones. I needed him. I _needed_ him.

But I wouldn't call him. I couldn't. I wouldn't give James that satisfaction. He already had me. He wouldn't have anyone else. James couldn't have _him_.

"Call. Him." I felt the snarl in James's voice hit my spine.

My own snarl echoed his. "Never."

I would be stronger than the pain James tried to inflict on me. I would let James tear me apart if that meant _he_ didn't get hurt. I was ready for whatever happened next.

James twisted my shoulder. I clenched my jaw tight as a spiral of fire shot through the joint, only allowing a small whine to escape.

James said _he_ would do anything for me. I would do this for him.

"Last chance, Blaire." James's voice was soft, shaking with a growl he didn't let loose.

I squeezed my eyes shut. Behind my lids, golden eyes met mine.

_CRACK! SNAP!_

An inferno roared through me, blinding me with white brilliance. I couldn't hold back the screams. The fire was encompassing and horrifying, taking over my entire body like it had during the change. It only lasted for a moment, I knew, but it might as well had been an eternity.

When I finally managed to open my eyes, they fluttered as bright shafts of sunlight broke through the cloud cover overhead. It filtered through branches of the trees and splayed across little patches of forest floor.

It was the perfect spotlight to cast on my dismembered arm laying a few feet in front of me.

And it shimmered.

**V**

* * *

Lol yikes amiright?

If you enjoy my writing and would like to support me in my creative endeavors, I've set up a ko-fi page (basically an online tip jar). The link, spelled out, is _**ko-fi dot com forward-slash TwitchWalkerTexasRanger**_. Please consider donating if you want to help your local Texas Ranger out!

I also appreciate comments! Your words have the power to make my day! If you write something super nice or super crazy, I take screenshots and post them on my ko-fi page with responses! I actually have more to do, so you'll see an update of that in a couple of days!


	7. RESURFACE

I'M ALIVE!

And I'm thriving, nerds. The reason why I haven't uploaded in a hot minute is because I've been caught up with Pitch Wars submissions (my experience has been, in one word: encouraging), and then I started writing a super fun new project that's very close to my heart. Y'all, I'm soft for this story. It's my fav.

This chapter is, too, especially now that it's finally done. I struggled with this a lot, went back and forth about how I should write it in a way that wouldn't disappoint you guys and still be good for Blaire's character arc, and... it kind of stressed me out to the point that I would open the story's doc and _freeze_ because I was legit terrified.

But we're finally here, and she turned out cute... ish, so I'm happy.

I wanted to post a couple of shoutouts, because some lovely people donated to my ko-fi while I was away! HUGE THANKS to **eeeeaud** and **Krista**! Your support definitely pushed me to finish this chapter!

* * *

**5\. RESURFACE**

_THE BEST OFFENSE WAS A_ good defense.

A simple rule to sportsmanship – one that was pounded into my head since I could dribble a soccer ball between my feet – that guided me even now.

There was no beating James. No advancing. I could only defend what I held so close to my heart when I was human. What little there was left of it was precious. Sacred. I kept it locked away in the back of my mind, contained while the rest of me exploded into a million pieces.

I sprinted through more forests and dove into more lakes, and I killed any living thing in my path whether James commanded it or not.

Because he was right. There _was_ a darkness within me, and it liked to wreak havoc on the world. Had it always been there? I couldn't remember. Maybe I had always been able to channel it through sports. That was where letting rage pour out over a painted field was not only acceptable, but encouraged. As long as I kept within the white lines, I could do whatever I wanted to meet my end. That had been enough when I was human.

But now I was so much more, and so was my playing field. It was boundless, which suited me just fine since I could run so much farther now. The savage instincts I'd been fighting since I woke up took over as soon as I processed that my limbs could be entirely removed.

The pain had been overwhelming and endless and I was lost to it. Tearing my arm off was like tearing tore a hole in my throat, too, and I needed _blood_. Like a wounded animal, I went wild with the instinct to survive. There was no fighting the thirst. There was only meeting it.

Red flowed along the forest floor in a five-mile radius.

That was when I learned I could also be put back together. After all, I was so much sturdier now, too.

A thick line circled around the joint where my shoulder and arm met, like a scar. A mark that would remain there for the rest of my existence, Victoria assured me.

Because it wasn't a life anymore.

Even as I pushed my body to new limits every day, there was no excitement. I didn't feel the rush of clearing hundreds of feet in a single leap. I didn't feel the bark of the branches under my feet or in my palms as I chased after Victoria in the treetops and learned her intricate style of running. The dramatic sight of a hidden waterfall or the vibrancy of a sunrise slicing through the night did nothing for me.

I was dead in more ways than one.

But I would learn to suffer through it.

And while I ran and killed, I pretended I was somewhere else.

I pretended I was running down a soccer field, passing a ball between my feet. I made up teammates and opponents, and constructed games with intricate plays. These games felt so real, whenever I imagined I made a goal, I almost heard faint cheers of fans echoing in my ears.

Other times I imaged laying on a small twin bed covered with a purple comforter. Rain pattered outside a nearby window. Bella would sit across from me, her face hidden behind a book because I couldn't quite remember her features right. I would mostly stare at her ceiling and trace the lines of the glow-in-the-dark stars and moons and planets I helped her stick up there when we were kids. I hoped she knew how much I loved her.

When things were too hard, when I found myself drowning in too much blood and hurt, I imagined sitting in a dark car while a night-black world whipped past. I imagined _him_ in the driver's seat beside me, golden hair glowing in the dashboard lights. Like Bella, I couldn't see the details of his face, but I focused on how he made me feel. Steady. Calm. I reveled in those quiet daydreams.

This world was so obviously nothing without him in it.

Where was he?

I kept running so I wouldn't find out, hoping to outrun him. I followed Victoria through the trees because it was harder to track my scent that way. There was a reason she taught me. Even James moved with more stealth below us, weaving around the tree trunks, always glancing behind us. I refused to hope it was because he was cautious, but…

Things had been different since James ripped off my arm. He was just as quiet as Victoria now. He didn't say anything unless he found an unsuspecting human he wanted me to kill, but watching me hunt didn't seem to amuse him like it had. It seemed like he only made the commands for… for show. Everything he did only seemed to be for show, now. Every time he touched me, he exaggerated his movements. Whether it was letting his fingers trail along my cheek, or dropping his arm over my shoulders to yank me flush into his side, it was all dramatic and obvious flashes of dominance and possession.

They were small acts of rebellion against an oppressive force that was closing in fast. It had been ever since my arm had been torn, and I'd given up all hope. A terrible stillness had flattened the woods around us. Something dark and violent had been unleashed. Someone else took up my game.

But I didn't want him to. Not when I knew there was no winning it. So I tried to outrun him. I could save him from James if I kept him far enough away. It was a poor defense, but it was all I could do.

We were getting closer to Alaska. The air was getting colder, and I swore I caught the sight of tiny snowflakes melting midair on strong breezes. Snow began to line the ground. We were closer to meeting the other member of James's coven.

I was used to the stark silence of the mountains, James, and Victoria now. Our feet barely crunched through thin snow. Tree limbs snapped and snow flared out as we tore past them. I imagined they were fans going wild over an indirect attack that allowed one of my faceless forwards to make a winning goal.

We followed our path down the slope of a steep hill –

Then James took a sharp intake of breath. It sounded like a gunshot in the dead of night. I wheeled around, snow spraying at my ankles. Victoria did the same. James was already stopped behind us, tall and alert. I flinched and crouched low to the ground when a smile teased at his mouth. "Finally –"

No.

The world went _dark_.

It went dark with rage, and it was starving. It would swallow up every star in the sky. It would devour me whole. Absolute fury made the ground shake – or maybe it was just me wilting and trembling under the weight of such emotion – and it was set upon us.

_He_ was here.

I shrunk down even lower, brushing my fingers along the thin snow. An icy chill that I hadn't felt since my arm had been pulled off met my fingertips. I sucked in a breath, tasting pine and dirt and the moisture in the air, but not him. Where was he?

"James," Victoria said.

Where was he –

_FWOOSH!_

A dark figure burst out from the trees behind me and slammed Victoria into the ground. She snarled under the form of another female vampire, her teeth bared and shining under the starlight.

_FWOOSH!_

Another bigger form – a male vampire – pounced on James from the upper boughs of a pine. The two wrestled in the snow. They'd both been right on top of us – How didn't we know they were here –?

I scrambled away from the sudden fight that broke out on either side of me, snow flying up and powdering in the air around me –

And then _he_ appeared at the top of the hill.

The moon and starlight outlined his broad shoulders in silver, cast dramatic shadows along the angles of his face, bleached his messy blond hair, and was gobbled up by the blackness of his eyes. They were darker than any night sky. Void of life and fear. And they were wholly fixed on me.

He only wore pants, boots, and a white V-neck T-shirt, exposing his bare arms. They were covered with half-crescent scars, along with his neck and chest – there was even a mark on the side of his jaw. I shuddered. They were bite marks. They were signs of the countless fights he saw and won. He was strong. Formidable. A threat. The hairs on the back of my neck stood on end.

The anger whipping around us broke for a split-second, allowing another emotion in just for me. It was that same heavy, gentle thing I remembered from the forest. That emotion that told me he was here. That he would always be here.

A snarl ripped from James. I spun around just as he broke free of the male vampire's hold and charged me. A weak growl rumbled in my chest –

But _he_ was already down the hill, flitting past me and lunging for James. They collided into the ground. The other male vampire jumped in, too. Victoria snarled next, but she was no match for the female vampire I didn't recognize. Her sandy brown hair was cut short, and her burgundy eyes flickered from me to the wrestling males. Her growl exposed her teeth. I frowned at her. Who was she?

"Jasper!" the female snapped, her voice sharp like a whip that carried a distinct twang. "I have an opening!"

Jasper…

Jasper Whitlock.

Memories came in waves. Blurred, flickering moments of sitting behind each other in dim classrooms, hiding in libraries where I could listen to the velvety depths of his voice and it would be the only sound, sitting beside him in cars while wind whipped through my hair, the weight of his arm over my shoulders, his whispered encouragements that bolstered my pride and made me strong, a bond that existed between us and kept us tethered to one another.

It positively vibrated between us now. It was desperate and wild, and I had no idea what to do with it except _want_.

"Don't!" Jasper commanded, gaining the upper hand when the other male wrestled James under his weight. "That's her right!"

His lips moved beautifully, and his voice brushed against me like velvet. I stopped breathing when I heard it. I was so distracted by his sight and his sound that I only understood what he said belatedly.

The female vampire gave me a look before she forced more of her weight onto Victoria. A small part of me bristled at it. What was her problem –?

"Blaire!"

My name barely made it from his mouth before I was looking his way. Anticipation and warmth crawled along my skin when I met his eyes.

"You can finish this now."

My knees shook with the softness that came from his voice, and then with terror from what he said.

James suddenly tossed the strange male vampire off of him and darted back just out of their reach. He grinned at me. "Yes, Blaire, _finish_ it," he said. "What do you have in mind for your spectacular ending? Didn't you try to show me in that forest a few hundred miles back?"

My shoulder stung with a phantom pain. I curled my fingers into fists.

"It was a shame your mate couldn't step in then," he went on. "I wonder where he was. Makes you wonder if he even cared –"

Jasper snarled. A fresh wave of rage crested through the air. He crouched, ready to lunge at James again. James grinned at the challenge –

It was a trap. He wanted to goad Jasper into attacking him, so he would have the advantage.

It forced me into action. I shot forward, closer to James, even though I was still shaking. He glanced me up and down, then shrugged. "Either way, it's a shame you couldn't do it on your own. I know how much you hoped you could. Imagine if you had more time with your sires – How much could you have learned?"

I sucked in ragged breaths, trying to keep myself calm.

"We had fun in the meantime, though, didn't we?" James said, still smiling. I hated that smile. He looked past me. "Do you see what I did with your little toy? Have you seen the weapon she's become? The monster she was _always_ meant to be?"

I knew Jasper had seen it all, but I never knew what he thought. He wasn't saying anything now.

James laughed with manic delight. "That weak little human you met isn't here anymore!"

No, she wasn't. She was made of much more, now, no matter what anyone thought. Slowly, a low snarl built up in my chest and made its way out. James finally looked back at me.

"You know if you kill me, it'll only prove I was right about _everything_," he said.

"James!" Victoria snapped. Her voice betrayed her panic. It almost sounded like mine when I begged her not to kill my mother.

There was a reason why I was doing this. Why I kept throwing myself into danger over, and over, and over again.

I narrowed my eyes at James. "Let's hope you were."

James's smile actually fell. It was all the invitation I needed.

One more time. I could do this one last time.

I lunged.

James and I collided, and the sound of our stone-like bodies crashing against each other made it seem like the world was cracking apart.

It was a flurry of clawing at one another, snarls, and roars. I kept pushing, kept advancing on James and refused to let him get away. I tore at his skin, creating more spiderweb-like cracks along his chest left bare after I ruined his shirt, or on his jaw when I punched him once, twice, three times –

James growled and caught my neck with one of his large hands. He lifted me off the ground with ease. He squeezed _hard_. My skin splintered in my ears. Fire roared through me, but I wouldn't let go. I wouldn't give up.

"_Blaire_!"

Jasper didn't have to worry. James was just performing another spectacle. I wouldn't let him act anymore.

I reached out and grabbed James by his own throat. Then I kicked my legs up and snapped my heels into the arm that held me up.

_CRACK!_

His arm gave out from under me and nearly tore away from his own shoulder. The irony made me laugh as a twisted sense of excitement fueled me to keep going. All of those beautiful, disgusting daydreams of killing James once and for all played through my mind like a slideshow. Especially when I rounded him and pounced, forcing him to his knees. I grabbed his neck and _pulled_ –

The cracking, splintering sounds that followed were like music to my ears.

So was Victoria's desperate scream. "_No_!"

"_Yes_!" I screamed back at her, pulling harder. James tried to reach back with his only hand, fisting it in my hair, my clothes, but it was no use. I barely felt him through the high of _finally winning_. I twisted his head to an awkward angle.

Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

"_Yes_!" I screamed again.

I looked at Victoria as she struggled under the weight of the unknown female vampire and her unknown male counterpart. But I could only focus on Victoria's face twisted in pure, unadulterated fear. I grinned.

"Beg me!" I yelled. "_Beg_!"

I wanted to make her beg like I had to.

"_Please_!" she sobbed. "_Please_ don't!"

Her pain fueled me. It made me so strong. It made me come _alive_.

"We'll leave you alone!" she went on. I almost laughed at the childish promise. "We'll leave! You'll never see us again, please, I swear it!"

I bared my teeth at her and leaned down to James's ear. "Your monster is here."

I jerked my hands with one sharp twist, and watched Victoria's face the entire time.

_CRACK!_

Her expression crumpled in wretched despair. The very light in her eyes died when James's body dropped. The scream she unleashed echoed across the mountains.

I roared back.

**V**

* * *

Just so we're all aware, this story is going all the way through _New Moon_. My updates will be slow, but I'm not going to abandon this story, and I will write it to the end.

If you enjoy my writing and would like to support me in my creative endeavors, I've set up a ko-fi page (basically an online tip-jar). The link, spelled out, is _**ko-fi dot com forward-slash TwitchWalkerTexasRanger**_. Please consider donating if you want to help your local Texas Ranger out!

I also appreciate comments! Your words have the power to make my day! If you write something super nice, super crazy, or have any general questions, I take screenshots and post them on my ko-fi page with responses!

I have quite the bundle waiting for me, so expect some updates on that soon. Sorry for the delay on that.


	8. TURNABOUTS FAIR PLAY

Welcome to the start of my favorite chapters a.k.a. Twitch's Super Self-Indulgent Installments Where She Should've Been Writing Her Original Work BUT We're Here Instead

a.k.a. I'm Back on My Bullshit

When I tell you I've been the most hype about Blaire and Jasper's reunion, I mean it.

Super relieved I pushed through that last chapter, because this is where the fun is gonna start!

* * *

**6\. TURNABOUTS FAIR PLAY**

_RIPPING OFF A VAMPIRE'S HEAD_ didn't kill them. It would take a lot of blood, probably ten times the amount I needed with my arm, but James could still be put back together if I stopped with his head.

So I didn't.

I tore James limb from limb until he was nothing more than tiny, indiscernible pieces. The squeals of his flesh being peeled away and the loud, abrupt _pops!_ of pulling his limbs out from his torso filled my ears. I didn't hear anything else. I didn't want to.

The noises drowned out the memories of James's constant jeering still playing on a loop in my head. His boasting. His condescending, "_Oh, Blaire_," and his congenial, "_Kill them_." I tore the world apart for him for only a few days, but he made it feel like centuries. I hoped I could replace all of those terrible, never-ending, forever wide awake, and fully present minutes I had to endure with him.

Victoria wailed and screamed, begging for me to stop, promising I would live an eternity of peace if I spared them both. She tried to wrestle out from under the two vampires I still didn't know, but they held her firm. The female I didn't know had to look away, but the male watched me with grim, horrified fascination.

I never looked at Jasper. I didn't want to know what I would find if I did.

By the time I was satisfied, however long that actually took, Victoria wasn't fighting the two vampires anymore. Instead she trembled underneath them. She sobbed quietly, mumbling so low I couldn't even make out the words. I cocked my head to the side before I stood at my full height. I stepped over James's remains to meet her.

"Is she _crying_?" I asked her through my teeth. I crouched in front of her in the same moment, ignoring the other two vampires. "Do I make you nervous now?"

When I was closer, I could hear her words clearer. They were a low, steady chant.

"Kill me, kill me, kill me, kill me, kill me."

As if I wasn't already planning on it. A snarl built up in my chest.

She didn't even meet my eyes. She just stared at the ground and kept begging me to kill her like it was some kind of prayer. Like it would be her salvation. Like she _wanted_ to die.

Maybe she did. Maybe I actually managed to take everything away from her.

I was making her suffer.

I may have not trapped her under a lake, but she was trapped nonetheless. When she would look up, the sun would be just as distorted as it looked underwater. Her world would be forever altered because James wasn't in it anymore. Feral elation swept through me.

"Let her go," I said.

I won.

The female vampire I didn't know looked up at me first, eyes wide. I couldn't tell if it was with horror, disbelief, rage, or maybe all three. The male vampire looked at something past me, probably at the vampire behind me, before he straightened up. He nudged the sandy blonde female into standing as well.

I bared my teeth at Victoria. "You took _everything_ from me."

Victoria struggled to her feet, shaking, her eyes empty with terror and a sadness so endless it sent chills through my frozen body. She stared at me with those eyes, but I stood tall. Resolute.

"And now you get to live with it."

I would kill her one day, but for now, I would torture her first.

I was a monster, after all. She and James made sure of that.

Victoria gave the pieces that were once James one last, long look, before she flew into the depths of the woods beyond us. She tore off with a speed that made the wind vortex for a second, then the world flattened out like nothing had happened at all.

There was only silence.

Until I heard a soft plastic _plop_, followed by the tang of gasoline, that made me turn around.

Jasper stood next to the chalky pile of what looked like broken marble, a small bottle of lighter fluid in hand. His gaze flicked up to meet mine, and I was lost in its deep blackness, until he turned his wrist and poured the fluid all over the pieces that had once been James.

_Glug_, _glug_, _glug_, _glug_.

The rhythmic pour felt as refreshing as diving underwater. Drowning everything out. Pushing the horror even further away.

Jasper didn't stop until all the lighter fluid had been poured out. He tossed the bottle a few feet behind him, while he reached into his pocket. Metal glinted under the moonlight. A lighter.

"Do you remember?" he asked me.

Somewhere, I did. Almost everything I learned about vampires when I was human were the easiest things to pull from the back of my mind. The only way to kill a vampire was to tear it apart and burn the pieces. I nodded, prompting him to toss the lighter at me. I caught it with ease.

_Flink!_

A small flame shot up. I marveled at the tiny spark that would end James forever.

I dropped the lighter on the pieces soaked in kerosene and couldn't help but think that while the horror was over, the nightmare that was the rest of my… existence… was only beginning.

Fire bloomed and stretched up in the sky. The warmth felt blistering on my sensitive skin, and it smelled… sweet and bitter. Like burnt orange peels. I let the crackling embers drive out every other noise and view. I watched the flames consume every part of James until there was nothing left but ash.

It could've taken minutes, or hours, until the world went dark again, but I refused to look away for a second. I needed to be sure it was ending. I needed to know it was over.

When there was nothing left but scorched earth and powder, I heard the whispers.

"… need to be careful."

That came from the strange male vampire.

I turned around.

Jasper and the other two vampires stood together, speaking so quickly and quietly I had trouble picking up what they were saying. And then I realized it was because most of it was in another language I barely recognized. Spanish… maybe?

"_Ella necesita tiempo para adaptarse._" The words struck me like a lightning bolt. Jasper's voice was deep, soft, and smooth. It commanded my attention as soon as the firt word left his mouth. Each one that slipped out after that from his lips, and the seductive lilt he wrapped each one with held me utterly transfixed. I _wanted_ him. I wanted to know how those words would feel like against me, but I had no idea what to do about it. At least some things about me were still the same. Jasper finally looked at me, his brow quirked like he was asking me a question. "_Yo confíno en ella._"

He stepped away from the other vampires to meet me. Something like adrenaline spiked within me when he approached. Jasper seemed to answer it with gentleness and calm. Surety. God, I missed him so much.

And he was so _handsome_ – I could see it even clearer now. With his rogue curls, his lean frame that exuded wild vitality, the scars that seemed to cover every inch of his body all only added to his attraction for me. They spoke of power. Of survival. Of strength.

They were things I needed. Wanted. Craved.

"Blaire…" he murmured.

I forgot my name could sound like that.

Soft. That it could still be whispered instead of screamed.

There were only six feet between us. He closed three of those in mere steps. Slowly, he reached out to me. I wanted to take his hand. He was only two steps away –

I flinched, darting back five feet, nearly ducking into a thicket of scraggly trees until I forced myself to _stop_. I still kept low to the ground when I faced him again. Why? Why did I run from him? What was wrong with me?

He stopped. Frowned. "Do you know who I am?"

"Jasper Whitlock," I said. Of course I knew him. How couldn't I? He alone was the force that kept me from drowning in my new body. When I was human, he was there for me when no one else was – When no one else could be. He was…

"You're mine," I whispered.

"Yes," Jasper said immediately.

Yes. He was. It was the answer to every question. I regarded the powerful creature before me with clearer eyes, understanding the depth of his devotion with a more open mind. He _was_ mine, and had been since I saw him for the first time in that high school parking lot. It'd only taken four steps – what a minute thing to remember – to seal our fates into one.

There was another word for what he was to me, and what I was to him, but I was too afraid to say it. Still… I wanted to know.

"And…" I hedged. "I'm… yours?"

"Only if you want to be," he said.

Because it was a choice, I remembered learning somewhere before the change.

_Did_ I want to be? Yes, yes of course. The answer was just as obvious, but I was still afraid of it. So much had happened – so much was _still_ happening – and it all seemed to go so fast I could barely process any of it. He had to have seen everything – Or maybe he didn't –

"Where were you?" I demanded, the words flying from me without a thought.

Jasper lowered himself to crouch on the ground. To make himself seem smaller, maybe less threatening. He didn't come any closer. I glanced behind him, only to realize we were the only ones in the clearing. The other vampires were gone.

"With you," he said, drawing my attention back to him. "I had to stay far enough out that James wouldn't be able to track me, but I was always with you. I couldn't do anything until I had backup. I couldn't risk you anymore than I had. After what happened to Bella, the Cullens needed to stay behind, play the charade –"

Bella? "What happened to Bella?" My voice rose to an uncomfortably high pitch. My fingers curled into the ground and tore at the earth.

"She's fine," Jasper said. "She got treated for the injuries she got at the dance studio. Everyone else is safe."

The word _safe_ was a salve to the burning panic I felt since I woke up. She was safe. Everyone was safe. I… I actually did it. I'd done enough. My shoulders sagged with relief. My gaze dropped down to my hands and feet, stained with blood. Disgusting.

_I_ was disgusting. The leggings and tank top I wore, thin and cotton, were logged with blood. Even with the multiple dives into deep streams and lakes, I knew it soaked through the fabric and coated my skin. I was a canvas painted with death. And Jasper had seen it all.

"How could you even want me?" I demanded, another question that I didn't have time to filter.

He frowned at me, his brows furrowing. He actually looked confused. "Blaire…"

My name was so soft when it came from him, and I didn't deserve it at all. Not when I killed so many people. Not when I started James's cycle anew with so many people, with faces I could picture perfectly, but didn't feel anything for whatsoever.

"You didn't do anything wrong." Jasper took a step closer to me. It was hesitant, but I felt his approach in tingles running up my spine. Excitement and fear and anxiety – "A vampire's newborn phase is their thirstiest. James used that against you."

Anger made the air around him bristle.

"I wanted to kill him that day," he said suddenly. A deep growl vibrated just under his words, threatening to break. "Peter and Charlotte barely made it in time. They had to hold me down, to keep me from going into his trap. I knew it would've been a shitshow if I went for it, but…"

The anger boiled over into rage. Not mine, but his. I leaned forward on the balls of my feet anyway, ready to fight if he so much as asked –

"It's over now," I said.

It sliced Jasper's tension in half.

"It's done," I said.

The words sounded… real when I said them out loud.

I could fully focus on the blond curls that brushed along his forehead, the sharp angles of his face, the fullness of his lips, his eyes… so intent on me. I should have been unnerved by such a stare, but instead I felt at home in his focus. The only thing that bothered me was that his eyes were black with thirst. Was that how my eyes looked? Because it was how I felt. Even now, heat licked up my throat. It wouldn't be long until the need for blood took over.

"Aren't you thirsty?" I asked.

The question rewarded me with a slight smile. "It's an easy fix."

"An easy fix…" I echoed. "Bella's safe. Everyone's safe. It's over now."

I trembled with the force of it. It rattled me off balance, and I dropped to sitting in the snow, staring at Jasper. He finally, finally moved to close the space between us. I didn't move away when he reached out again. I let him wrap his arms around me and pull me into his chest while he leaned back into the trunk of a nearby tree. He felt… warm.

When I breathed in, the most incredible sharpness from a combination of burnt sugar and malted barley coated my palette. Malted barley… how the hell did I come up with a comparison like that? Why did it fit so perfectly?

It was all him. All peaceful. That scent and his touch drowned out the rest of the world. Being so close to him, his emotions washed over me like waves. It was joyous, contentedness, and that weighted emotion I still didn't have a name for.

"No matter what happens, I'm with you," Jasper said. I felt his low words vibrate against me. "My life is yours."

For the first time in a while, I felt peace. The relief and calm were so heavy, I closed my eyes and pretended I could sleep in his emotions.

**V**

* * *

Reunited and it feels so gooood~

Reunited 'cuz I'm so tired of dealing with James and Victoria and I just really want Jasper to be happy and maybe Blaire too!

If you enjoy my writing and would like to support my creative endeavors, I recently set up a ko-fi page (essentially an online tip jar). The link, spelled out, is _**ko-fi dot com forward-slash TwitchWalkerTexasRanger**_. Please consider donating if you want to help your local Texas Ranger out!

I also appreciate comments! Your words have the power to make my day! If you write something super nice, or super crazy, or have any general questions, I take screenshots and post them on my ko-fi page with responses.

Still have quite a few comments to get through, and I also post a lot of nonsense on there like teasers and incorrect quotes. It's worth a look, especially with what I just posted... (you can't see it but I'm waggling my eyebrows suggestively)


	9. TOGETHER

Happy November, everyone! Writing-wise, this probably one of my favorite times of the year, because it's National Novel Writing Month (or NaNoWriMo). The typical goal for this month is to write fifty-thousand words on a totally new project within the month of November, which breaks down to about 2k words a day. To put that in perspective for y'all, a typical chapter of RAVAGE/SAVAGE is about two to three thousand words. If I chose this project for NaNoWriMo, I'd probably be writing a chapter or so a day! How crazy is that?!

But this is not the project I'm doing. I'm actually working on another one that I plan to finish by December 1st and I have about forty-thousand words left on it, so I'm working like crazy every day to get to the end. It's a lot of fun, but also a struggle because I'm balancing work and life with it.

Which leads me to inform y'all that updates will be slow again. I'm sorry. I promise I'll try to write SAVAGE when I have time. I have about half of chapter eight written, so I will try to finish it this week so we can have another Tuesday update. I can't make any promises after that when it comes to November.

What I CAN promise you, though, is that I'll be writing this story in December. I'm going to take a break from the original works to focus on reading, revising what I wrote for this month, and holiday activities. The only thing I'll be writing is this story! I did this last year with RAVAGE and it gave us all of those fun chapters and faster update times.

Hope you guys are doing well, and that you enjoy this update!

* * *

**7\. TOGETHER**

I held onto Jasper tightly. Even when I felt the sun's heat as it crested the horizon, I kept my arms clasped around his neck and hid my face in the crook of his shoulder. I was happy to ignore the rest of the world as long as I could breathe him in. His scent made my head spin; it was intoxication in its most sublime form. With his arms locked around my back, keeping me from moving, I could only lose myself to him. He rested the side of his face against my head. Our chests rose and fell with the shared tempo of our breaths.

We didn't say anything. Maybe it was because the quiet was what we needed after deafening chaos took over our lives for so long, and simply took what was my life away from me…

I was still getting used to that. Being dead… and alive.

Though I felt nearly catatonic in his arms, I knew I would never actually fall asleep. My mind still worked on overtime, constantly moving and turning and adjusting to everything that had happened.

I won.

And Jasper was mine.

But was I his? How could I make a decision like that? I just got turned into another _species_. Throwing… Throwing Jasper, and who he was to me, on top of it didn't seem fair. I wasn't ready to make any more life-altering choices – at least not right now. But Jasper… He was ready. It took him no time to answer me. It took him no effort to tell me his life was mine.

I wanted to ask him how he could make that decision so easily. I wanted to know when he knew who I was to him. He had to have known before I was turned, I was sure. I wanted to know why he didn't tell me. I wanted to know how he could want me when I was so lost and damaged. I tried to ask so many times, but the words piled up in my throat and didn't make it further. I was afraid to ask, because what if it made him – the only good thing in this world – realize it too? What if it made him leave?

My fingers curled into the fabric of his shirt.

"Blaire," Jasper murmured. His lips barely brushed against my neck, startling me. How had he gotten so close? How could I get him to do it again?

The second thought was more startling than the first. It forced me to pull myself away.

Jasper looked at me from under the blond curls that spilled over his forehead, shining gold in the faint morning sunlight. His eyes were still blacker than any night sky, and I knew he had to be in so much pain from his thirst, but he still managed to look at me like I was the only thing in the world. Even when I pulled back, that look didn't let me get far. I sat beside him with my legs draped over his lap. Jasper followed me, twisting so he could sling his arm over my shoulders and keep me closer to him. I wanted to get even closer still. Anticipation and desire prickled at my skin and shot around my insides like fireworks.

I had to look away, or else I knew my body would push me into doing something I wasn't ready for.

Then Jasper cupped my chin in one of his hands and tilted it up, forcing me to look into his eyes. He brushed his thumb across my cheek. I stopped breathing. "What's wrong?" he asked.

The _longing_. That was what was wrong right now. I remembered it dampened every human memory I had of him, heightened by the rare moments where I felt like we were the only two beings in the world. I remembered wanting him when I was human, but this… It was so much more now. It was demanding, needing, desperate. Couldn't he feel it, too?

"You used to blush whenever you felt like this," he said quietly, when I didn't answer his question. His thumb swept over my cheek again. I leaned into his palm, overcome with the rightness I felt in his hands. When he sighed, his breath rushed over my skin. My eyes threatened to close and give into the sensation.

"Do you miss it?" I whispered. Maybe that would be the right way to lead into the conversation I needed, to get to the questions I desperately wanted to ask.

"Do you?" he countered.

I frowned. "I… I don't know."

A vague answer, but an honest one. There was so much to hate and love about this new body and the life that would come with it. I didn't understand all of it yet.

"You don't have to," he said, like it was the simplest thing in the world. Like my answer was actually acceptable.

The the undergrowth a hundred feet away rustled. I stiffened –

"Relax," Jasper said. I didn't. The two vampires who held Victoria down stepped out of the trees and into our view. I still didn't relax. The female was all lean lines filled with power and dotted with her own set of scars, staring at me warily. The male beside her was brawny and large with even more scars. They wore clothes like James and Victoria – old, faded pants and jackets – and looked just as wild with their dark red eyes. Like Jasper, these vampires screamed strength, but unlike Jasper, they made me uncomfortable.

Jasper stood up and guided me up with him. I hung close to his side. "These are my oldest friends, Peter and Charlotte," he explained. "Y'all, this is Blaire."

"We figured you could use some time before introducing ourselves," the female, Charlotte, said casually. Even if her words were bright and sounded cheery, they were fake. I could tell by the stiffness in her posture, and the grit of her teeth when she smiled. She held up a backpack. "Wanna take a real bath and change outta those clothes?"

Beyond words.

I didn't have to look in a mirror to know I was filthy. The clothes I wore stuck to me like a second, itchy skin. The game between James and I was over. I could… move on.

Move on and do what, though?

It was just another question I didn't have an answer for.

Jasper rested his hand on my shoulder. "Maybe we should hunt first," he said.

Hunt.

Fire erupted in my throat, burning at everything. Flames licked the rest of the world away, taking everything rational with it.

I whirled around and tore through the woods, my breathing ragged as I sucked in the air around me, tasting it for blood. But not before I overheard the amused voice of the male vampire I barely knew.

"I guess that's a yes."

**V**

I hunted three times after that.

Three times, I was possessed by the monster I'd willingly accepted so I wouldn't die. Now I was forced to live forever. Jasper's words echoed in my thoughts in a never-ending loop. Did I miss being human?

I knew that I was still me, somehow, somewhere in the mess of my pain and fear. There was still… so much to work through and understand, but…

But everything I wanted to achieve when I was human was done now that I was a vampire. James was dead! I did that. How could I miss being human when I'd only been drowning in a world where everyone was stronger than me? At least I was on equal footing with them now.

If not more so.

I ghosted through the woods, sometimes running, sometimes crawling, as I slaughtered ten deer, five elk, and then a black bear (much to Jasper's equal parts horror and amusement). As the blood refreshed me and cleared my mind, it pushed the horror that had been my short life with James further away.

It helped that Jasper was with me, racing with me through the woods, bounding over rock outcroppings. He was a force of nature with the way he overtook the terrain and stalked his prey. I lost kills in favor of watching him lunge and wrestle elk to the ground, the power of his entire body on full display, and he seemed to do it without an ounce of effort. Not a single drop of blood unintentionally fell.

I hadn't seen another vampire hunt until now. It piqued my interest. I wanted to learn how he could do it and not look like a walking butcher shop.

When we charged further into the wilderness, Jasper flanked my side, until he started speeding up. He glanced back at me and smirked.

A challenge.

It flickered in my chest like a small, comforting flame.

I threw myself into it and let go. I sprinted past him. I felt the cold, thin layer of snow underneath my bare feet and the roughened bark of trees when I let my fingers skim past them as something else seeped into my veins –

Excitement.

The feeling was excitement. Something I never thought I would feel again, in the depth of James's wicked game.

I was coming back to life.

But that came with its own struggles. As I drank more blood, the world met me. It became clearer, more vibrant, louder. It was too much, too intense for my heightened senses, but Jasper was there. He would pull me into his chest so I could breathe his scent and only focus on him. He made the world quiet.

The sky lightened as time passed, the sun rising higher up in the sky, but it was covered by thick, overcast clouds, promising more snow. The cool air made my blood-coated skin tingle. The grass tickled the bottoms of my feet. I smelled the freshness of air untainted by the gore and violence of my latest hunt, and it almost made me feel normal. Almost human, maybe?

Jasper followed me, his eyes vibrant yellow, and despite the hours we spent hunting, was still much less disheveled than me. His shirt was only stained red from the times I needed refuge in his arms. "You're fast," he said. "You might even be quicker than Edward."

Pride (another emotion I discovered when I saw him watch me take out that black bear) flickered within me at his words. I smirked.

"I better be," I said. "I've been running my whole life."

Because conditioning my body to be the best soccer player I could be had been my life. So many dreams: varsity, captain, scholarships, pro, Olympics –

All of that was gone now.

My shoulders dropped. My smile fell. Maybe this was what Jasper was talking about. What was I supposed to do now? I was something entirely other. All of my human dreams had to be left behind with that scared little girl on a soccer field.

"Blaire," Jasper said. I turned to look at him. He maintained a polite distance away from me, giving me the space I desperately needed to adjust. "Talk to me. Tell me what's going on."

What wasn't going on? My head was constantly turning in on itself, desperately trying to piece everything together, coming up empty. I had hours to organize my thoughts without the hindrance of sleep, and absolutely nothing to show for it.

I fought to break it down. Where the best place was to start?

"How… long has it been?" I asked. "Since the dance studio. What's been going on since then?"

"Two weeks," he said. "The last time I talked to Alice was last week, before I lost cell reception. Bella's back in Forks, along with the rest of the Cullen clan. Alice wanted to come, but with all the loose ends we had to leave behind, it wasn't the best idea. The townsfolk would've been even more suspicious than they are now."

I frowned. "What do you mean?"

"Your dad…" A sharp pain lanced through my chest. God, my dad. How could I even forget him in middle of everything? "Bella told him you didn't want to be found, but he's still trying to look for you."

My dad always said my tenacity was from him. I wondered how he would react if he knew what I'd become. He and my mom both thought I was going crazy toward the end, before I ran away. Before I dove headfirst into the world of the supernatural and got swallowed whole.

"Do you think he'll find out what happened?" I asked.

"That trail went cold as soon as you jumped out of your window," he said. "But…"

"But?" I echoed. Jasper only ever hesitated when he knew I would hate the answer to a question.

_But you'll tell me anyway, won't you?_ I'd remembered asking him, where only shafts of moonlight and a food chain hierarchy separated us.

And he'd sighed. I didn't know it then, but it'd been a wistful one. _I haven't been able to deny you yet._

"He lost so much, so fast," he answered. "He'll hold onto what he thinks he has a chance of finding."

But he'd never find me. We lost each other long before I'd been bitten.

"What do we do next?" I asked.

It was easier to keep moving forward. Not look back any further than I needed.

"Whatever you want," he replied. "I figure you'd want more time to transition. There are a couple of places we could go, like Alaska. There's another coven up there like the Cullens, but they have a more secluded residence. Emmett and Rosalie offered up their place in Tennessee for us, if you want that. We can go back to Forks –"

My throat went tight. Equal parts of sadness and horror crippled me. "No –"

"Okay," he said quickly. "That's fine."

I couldn't face that town, at least not right now. Not after so much had happened.

After a moment, Jasper spoke again. "We're closest to Alaska. If anything, we can go there and stay a while, get you fresh clothes, you can call Bella since we'll have better reception…"

"Call Bella?" I felt like a broken record, just repeating everything he said. But… The things he said… I could actually talk to her? Why the hell didn't I think of that? I… I could actually talk to her! "Yes. Let's go to Alaska first."

He nodded. "Then it's done."

Only Jasper could make something sound so absolute. Only his words could put me at ease. Was it because he was mine?

Was it because he wanted me to be his?

I guessed he could read my conflicting emotions, or maybe he saw them on my face, because Jasper's brows furrowed. "Blaire?"

"How… How did you decide so easily?" I asked. "To be mine?"

Because I was still too afraid to use the one word that defined what we were.

Jasper met my gaze, burning and intense. He wouldn't be able to deny me. "It was inevitable," he finally said, his voice low and dragging across my skin in all the right ways.

Inevitable. The word stirred something within me, but I couldn't quite place it. I just knew it wasn't a satisfying answer right now.

I needed more.

So I closed the space between us until I was inches away and staring up at him. "But you _knew_," I said. Jasper didn't look away, but he rolled his shoulders back. Uncertainty danced between us, all from him. Why? "I think you knew the moment we met. How did you know? Why didn't you tell me?"

"You were human," he said. It proved me right. But he didn't answer my first question. I hoped he could feel my annoyance bubbling up. "You didn't understand. You couldn't have."

"You never gave me the chance," I hissed.

"I didn't want to," he replied. Something soft vibrated behind his words, almost like a growl. When it buffeted against me, it stung.

Rejection.

Jasper felt it too. The hard expression on his face cracked in half, and something softer met me. He reached out for me, and held the side of my face in his hand. It eased the pain coiling inside. "You had your friends, your family, your dreams. You had a _life_. When I felt how much you loved it, I couldn't take it from you. I didn't want anyone else to, either."

"Was that what was inevitable?" I asked. "Me becoming… this?"

"Yes." The word was strained with the desperation he felt. "And so were we."

My eyes widened.

"Alice saw it," he explained. "She saw it when we were together, and more when we met the Cullens. Because we were closing in. She saw _you_, Blaire, as a vampire… and who you were to me."

Sheer relief tore his desperation apart. I was swimming in the sensation of it as Jasper cupped the other side of my face with his other hand. He leaned down and pressed his forehead against mine. I closed my eyes as a lighthearted joy threatened to make me float. I gripped his wrists just to keep myself tethered to the ground.

"I wanted to tell you so many times, darlin'," he murmured, so quiet, wracked with emotion after emotion that lapped against me like waves. So desperate again, pleading, begging me to understand. "But… I couldn't. You were so afraid. You had every right for it, too, and with that bastard forcing you in a corner…"

The rage in his words and emotions shook me, but I was trembling for a much different reason.

"I didn't want to do the same," he went on. "I couldn't put that on you. I would've rathered be anything you needed, just so I could have a reason to stay by your side. I thought that was all I'd have, but then, at the airport…"

The memories were so muddled. I cursed the transformation for making them so difficult to access. I could only remember the bravery that came with kissing him on the cheek, vaguely saying, _I'm trying to say it like I'm saying hello_.

Because when I was human, I realized what I'd wanted. And I never thought I'd get another chance.

But I had it now.

I rocked to the tips of my toes, holding Jasper's wrists tight, and pressed my lips against his.

**V**

* * *

Lol if you thought I was gonna stop there, you're dead wrong. The next chapter will have the rest of the kiss scene.

Because I am the thirstiest. And Blasper is the most established couple in all of the slow-burn romances I'm writing rn. So... yeah. I'm hoping to have that chapter up next week!

If you enjoy my content and would like to support my creative endeavors, I set up a ko-fi page (essentially an online tip jar). The link, spelled out, is _**ko-fi dot com forward-slash TwitchWalkerTexasRanger**_. Please consider donating if you want to help your local Texas Ranger out!

I also appreciate comments! Your words have the power to make my day! If you write something super nice or super crazy or have any general questions, I take screenshots and post them on my ko-fi page with responses!


	10. ACQUAINTANCES

I had to get at least one more update out before the new year!

I'm sorry this took so long. My original project _still_ isn't done (which, yes, I feel horrible about), and it hasn't helped that work has been absolutely nuts. It also didn't help that I totally lost steam on this after the kiss scene (omg there's a kiss scene?). There were several ways which this chapter could go, and did go until I rewrote it every time, because Blaire is so hurt and conflicted. Our disaster child is still damaged. I don't even know when she's going to get better.

But she's getting better, and that's the important thing. Hopefully you enjoy this in the meantime! Lots of feels and emotions and KISSING.

Thanks for being so patient with me. I hope you guys had a wonderful holiday season and that you'll have a wonderful new year.

* * *

**8\. ****ACQUAINTANCES**

_AT FIRST, JASPER DIDN'T REACT._ He stood perfectly still. Immobile for nearly thirty seconds. But those thirty seconds might as well had been thirty _days_. Uncertainty welled up in me, maybe he didn't want –

Then he melted. One of his hands dropped to my waist and pulled me flush against him while the other wound its way around the back of my head, holding me in place. He kissed me back, hard and desperate and starving.

I didn't need my human memories to know this was nothing like how I imagined it would be to kiss Jasper. It had to be so much better.

His emotions were a violent storm that whirled between us and made my stomach drop. Need and desire crackled along my skin just like lightning. When I gasped at the sensation, malt and roasted warmth coated my palette. I shoved my hands up and twisted my fingers in his hair, pushing myself further on my toes, opening my mouth to graze my teeth along his lower lip. I wanted to taste him, _claim_ –

Jasper's answering growl vibrated everywhere.

His hand on my waist suddenly dropped to my thigh and hitched it over his waist. An invitation. I jumped up and locked my legs around him, gently nipping at his full mouth –

My back hit something hard. It shuddered. Pine needles sprinkled over my head and arms. "Fuck," Jasper snarled. The word and its gravel shot through me, blistering hot, and I swallowed it up the second he opened his mouth.

With him propping me up against a tree, I had free reign to explore every inch of his torso. I dropped my hands to his chest, my fingers tracing against his hard lines and the ridges of every scar through the thin fabric of his shirt. I pulled away from Jasper's mouth so I could kiss the marks along his neck, feel the hard lines against my lips, grateful that he fought every one of them to get to me. They felt so much like the scar on my shoulder. What did he have to go through to get here? How much pain had he felt? How much fear was he forced to meet alone? My fingers shook when I came across a particularly thick scar on his side. Echoes of my own screaming when James tore off my arm echoed in my ears.

I would tear the world apart before letting anyone hurt him like that again.

"Mine."

I didn't realize I growled the word out loud until Jasper's grip tightened around my leg. His other hand made its way to my neck, tilting my head up to meet his fiery gaze. It burned brighter than the sun. "All yours," he promised.

In this uncertain world, he would be my constant. My heart didn't beat anymore, but I realized it could still swell with emotion. "I'll be yours too," I whispered. "I… I just need time."

"You have it," he said, kissing me again. It was softer than the ones before it, sweet compared to the fire I knew he could unleash, and still passionate enough to make my toes curl. "As much as you need."

His kisses after that were even slower. They were lingering, light, until they ended with him smiling against my mouth. "Which is why we should slow down," he murmured.

What? No, I didn't want to slow down! I liked the current pace. We could even pick it up –

But he let go anyway. I slid down to my feet, every line of my body brushing against his. I glared at him. "Why?"

He had the audacity to laugh at me – to _laugh_! – as he stepped back. His hands lingered, caressing my side when he pulled away. It took everything in me not to follow it. "Would you believe me if I said I needed time as well?"

Obviously not. Especially when I knew not all those emotions swirling in that kiss were entirely mine. I folded my arms across my chest and hoped that, coupled with my mood, told him as much.

His answering smirk tipped the world on its axis. "Maybe I'm hoping if I hold out long enough, you'll to beg for it sooner rather than later."

Now _that_ I believed. I scoffed, hoping the sound downplayed the sudden thrill of desire running through me. "Dangerous strategy, Whitlock."

"It's how I prefer it, darlin'."

A soft hiss passed through my teeth as I regarded him. Such wickedness lived in him, probably more than James could ever imagine. Those scars on his skin were the physical proof, easy to read as if they were words on paper. It was who he was. Now that I wasn't hindered by a frightened human gaze, he was laying it all out for me to finally see.

"Even with me?" I asked.

"Not in the way you're worried about," Jasper said. My brows furrowed. "Just enough to drive you a little crazy."

Yet he was here, already doing more than "a little." But I wasn't going to let him know that. I rolled my eyes and pushed off the tree and past him without giving him a second look. "I'm ready to go back."

I knew he followed me as I tore through the forest, back the way we came. I used the wind to cool the heat that hadn't stopped flooding through me since that kiss. My lips still tingled from it, just like my skin hummed with the closeness of his presence. I knew Jasper flanked my side while we ran, but I refused to look at him. I didn't trust myself to _just_ look.

Yup. He was definitely driving me a little more than crazy.

I vaulted over a fallen tree with ease. It simply took a thought for my body lurch forward and jump, and then I was running again. It took no effort. It was instinct.

And it was amazing.

I threw myself into the running. I let myself feel the earth giving way underneath my steps, savor the wind rushing in my ears, and stuck out my hands to brush my fingers along the coarse pine needles and ferns. Everything was lush and new and exciting.

I didn't have all the answers that came with this new change, this new life, but… I would figure it out. I just needed time.

When I breathed in, I smelled vampires. The usual sweetness was tinged with something snappy like cinnamon and refreshing like mint; separate undercurrents for each vampire Jasper and I were rapidly closing in on.

I skidded to a stop when the scents became too strong. I tensed when I saw the male and female. Peter and Charlotte. They turned and tensed on their own when they saw me. A challenge. I ground my teeth together to keep a growl in check. Jasper wouldn't appreciate me threatening his oldest friends, even if they were suspicious to me.

I straightened up and glanced at the backpack still clutched in Charlotte's hands. "I'll take you up on that bath," I said, but I didn't take a step closer to her. I didn't trust her or myself to get any closer than we were standing across from each other in the clearing of the woods.

She didn't make any moves to get closer to me either. I could see the tension in her shoulders that kept them stiff. There was an alertness in her widened eyes. The male, Peter, hovered close to her side and said nothing.

It seemed we were in a standoff. When I heard Jasper's feet sliding to a stop behind me, I decided to make the first move. I crossed half the clearing in a beat, then walked slowly the rest of the way.

"Sorry it took me so long. I'll be quick," I promised her as I approached. I reached out for the bag, but Charlotte pulled it even closer to her. I stopped and frowned.

"How about we go together?" she offered. "I could use some freshening up as well."

I clenched my jaw even tighter and held my breath before that growl could escape. What the hell was this? Didn't they trust me to go alone? I didn't need this. I didn't need any more people – no, we were vampires, monsters, _not_ people – following my every move because they didn't trust me to be on my own. I just needed to take a stupid bath!

That fake smile Charlotte had was back in full force. I glared at her. Peter sidled up even closer.

"It's fine –" Jasper started.

"Come on, Jazz," Charlotte drawled. I hated the way she said his name. "I've been dying to meet the girl you've been talking about nonstop. Give us the chance to finally meet."

I didn't mention she was already dead. Just like I also tried not to act too interested in what Jasper might have said about me. Nonstop? Really?

"It's fine," I said. I wondered how many more times in my newfound eternity I would have to say that word.

**V**

Freezing water surged up around me when I plunged into another crystalline mountain lake. It was much colder than the ones I jumped in when I ran with Victoria and James. I thought it might have been because there was new life flowing through my veins, new purpose – even if I didn't know what it was. My body went into shock from it, keeping me stock still as I sunk deeper to the bottom. It took me thirty seconds to adjust and start swimming again.

Rivulets swirled around my body and rolled over my skin as I moved. The sensation tickled me on all sides as I kicked my legs and broke the surface.

Even colder air blasted against my face. I barely had time to react when Charlotte threw a white bottle at my face. When I grabbed it, my fingers snapped through the plastic, sending ribbons of soap over my head and into the water around me.

"Well that's one way to do it," Charlotte said. She sat at the edge of the lake, fluffing dust out of her short hair before she dunked her jacket in the water.

I scooped up handfuls of the soapy water and scrubbed my scalp. I tore at the blood-soaked knots in my hair. I scratched my nails over my skin to chip away at the layers of blood coated over it.

"You got a change of clothes in here, too," Charlotte went on as I scrubbed down the rest of my naked body. My old clothes were sitting in an ugly pile on the shoreline, where I hoped I'd never see them again.

"Thanks," I said, even if I didn't really mean it. Suds bloomed around me as I furiously worked on washing my skin and hair. Maybe if I washed hard enough, I could get rid of any physical trace of what I'd done. Maybe the memories would seem further away after I was clean.

"So…" Charlotte started off, her tone far too casual. Still too fake. I tried to ignore her. "What you did back there. That was… something."

No, it wasn't just _something_. It was a long time coming. It was what needed to be done. And she called it _something_? I scoffed. "It was justice. You don't know what he did to me."

"No," she said. "Jazz didn't tell us. But I bet it must've been pretty awful for you to do all that, and then leave his mate…"

Her words faded off, but I knew she wasn't trying to end the conversation there. I didn't care. I didn't owe her an explanation for the things I'd done. I didn't have to tell her why I had to become a monster for all of it. I wouldn't start now – with her – this _stranger_.

The bubbles around me tinged brownish-red with the layers of dried blood I scraped off my body. There wasn't enough body wash to get rid of it all. "Do you have more soap?" I asked.

"You know, this was supposed to last us until Ontario." I brushed the suds away from my eyes in time to see Charlotte pull another bottle out of the backpack. I waited for her to throw it. She didn't. She only held it in her hand and watched me, cocking her head to the side. Still waiting for an answer.

I glared at her.

She smiled back, but it looked more like she was baring her teeth. "Whatever it was, I hope it's done with now. Jasper's been through too much. He doesn't deserve to go through it again, even if it's with his mate."

This time, I didn't stifle the growl rumbling in my chest. "I wouldn't put him through anything."

Her answering snarl snapped into the air like a whip. I refused to shy away from it. "You did in those woods when they ripped your arm off."

Fire. Pain. Screaming. I stopped treading water. My head dipped under the surface. When I closed my eyes to blink, I saw flashes of my dismembered arm laying across from me. I sucked in a sharp breath, only to breathe in water. I surged up to the surface, coughed and gasped for air. The cold slapped me in the face. Screams echoed in my ears. I grabbed at my arm. I needed to make sure it was still there. My fingers ran over the thick scar around my shoulder. Physical proof of my horror. Of a lesson I would never finish learning from.

"You nearly killed him that day," she went on. Oblivious to a fear within me that was only growing with her words.

Killed him? Didn't I just promise myself I would do anything for that not to happen? Terror made my stomach drop like I was freefalling. Plunging into the dark. A void where Jasper didn't exist. No. No, no, no, no, no –

"We all went through enough of that down south to become… immune," she said. "But seeing that… and then how you killed that male and left his mate…"

She kept leaving that part so open-ended. Like I cared about the reminder. If anything, the carnal satisfaction from that moment lifted me out of my panic. I was strong enough to protect Jasper. We wouldn't go through any more pain now that we were together. I could keep us _safe_ –

"In all my years, that was one of the cruelest things I've ever seen," she finally finished. It stopped my thoughts short. My eyes widened.

The cruelest…?

I said I'd become the monster James wanted. That I would be the thing that ended him. I achieved that.

So why did it still feel like he won?

Why did it _still_ feel like he was laughing at me?

Charlotte flapped her coat, sending droplets of water everywhere. Some of them caught in the light and glimmered like tiny rainbows before they fell to the ground and soaked into the shoreline's pebbles. "I wanna know that it's done with now. For his sake."

The scar on my arm was only a fraction of what was littered all over Jasper's body. He'd known more horror that I could imagine. I wouldn't make him go through any more of it. It would have to end. For both our sakes.

But I wasn't about to tell a stranger that. I wouldn't give her the satisfaction.

The second bottle of body wash flew through the air. I caught it with a lighter hand and managed not to crush it. I glanced back toward the shoreline, frowning when I caught Charlotte more focused on doing her laundry than watching me. But she had a smirk on her face. Like she already knew my answer. She probably did.

I didn't like her.

**V**

* * *

Weirdly enough, I think these girls are going to end up being best friends. They're too much alike to not be.

I haven't started the next chapter yet, but we're heading for Alaska soon! This means new vampires, phone calls with Bella, and maybe some Blasper-themed nonsense...?

If you enjoy my content and would like to support my creative endeavors, I set up a ko-fi page (essentially an online tip jar). The link, spelled out, is **ko-fi dot com forward-slash TwitchWalkerTexasRanger**. Please consider donating if you want to help your local Texas Ranger out!

I also appreciate comments! Your words have the power to make my day! If you write something super nice or super crazy or have any general questions, I take screenshots and post them on my ko-fi page with responses!


	11. PRESSURE

Hey, guys! Long time no see! I hope everyone is doing well and making it through the onslaught of this virus. Things have been pretty scary in my neck of the woods, but we're all trying to take it one day at a time. Please keep yourselves and others that might be at a higher risk than you safe by social distancing and washing your hands after you return from any populated areas. The only way we're going to get through this is by getting through it together.

* * *

**9\. PRESSURE**

The world seemed a little clearer when I got out of that lake. A little more renewed. Almost like I'd been baptized in the mountain water, and maybe I was. Washing away all of that blood felt like I was washing away the remaining horrors of my old life. I could finally start things new. But I would still have scars from it. The thick band around my shoulder was the physical proof, the representation of everything still healing inside.

At least my hair smelled more like soap than iron. That was a start.

And I could change into new clothes: more leggings, an oversized hoodie supporting the Forks High Spartans –

They were my clothes.

I pressed the hoodie up to my face and breathed in. I wanted to taste the scent lingering within the fabric. Beneath sap and pine, I found something soft and sweet, like peonies, which was kind of ironic. It smelled like springtime and joy, of things I barely remembered now. And somehow that was what I must have smelled like to a vampire. Did I still smell like that now? Or did I smell more like rust, or like the smoke from James's burning body?

Maybe I would find out one day, but for now I was more concerned with a different scent. Malted barley and safety called to me like nothing else. It burned at me in a different way than bloodlust.

I tried to focus on the way my old clothes slipped over my new body, and how the fabric felt against my skin. Did it fit the same as it had when I was human? I couldn't remember. I wished I could. I ran my fingers through my hair, testing the new silkiness in every strand as I combed out the tangles and knots. Most locks were bound in tight spirals or loose waves. All of me felt smooth and soft, maybe even too perfect. It made me afraid to look at my face in any reflective surface. I still didn't know what I actually looked like. I wasn't ready to know, not when there was so much else to get used to.

Including the female vampire that refused to leave my side, even while I got out of the lake to get dressed.

Charlotte sat on a rock outcropping overlooking the water. Shafts of sunlight pouring out from the holes in the clouds shone on her skin, making one side of her sparkle with iridescent flecks. I would study her when she wasn't looking, still awed by her skin's reaction to the light. Out of all things, we really glittered in sunshine? I guessed it was better than exploding or burning to a crisp or… whatever else people said vampires did. I didn't know. I wasn't really into that kind of stuff when I was human, but maybe I needed to start, because all of it couldn't be wrong. Especially when they got it right about vampires being real.

I straightened up to my feet, looking to the woods at the exact moment Charlotte turned to look at me. "I'm going back," I said. I grabbed the backpack and slung it over my shoulders, moving too fast, making the bag swing hard across my back. By the time it settled in place between my shoulders, Charlotte was next to me.

She was a little shorter than me, peering up at me with burgundy eyes that made me bristle. She killed humans, way more than I had, but to her I was still the monster. "Then let's go," she replied, her tone irritatingly bright. What would it be like to throw her through a tree?

I turned and ran before I could find out. My form whistled through the woods, easily following the scent I'd been dying to fall into ever since I left the arms of the one who carried it.

He was still waiting in the clearing with the other male vampire. They were talking, speaking that other language – Spanish – that curled seductively in my ears. I skidded to a stop, my toes digging into the soft soil as soon as I was close enough. Then my brain short-circuited. I didn't even know that could still happen. Weren't vampires supposed to be infallible?

Why did that even matter? Right now, Jasper was shirtless, and that required my complete attention.

My hair whipped around my head. I scrambled to push it aside before strands fluttered in front of my eyes to obscure my view. I drank in his lean lines littered with even more bite marks, cataloguing all of it to memory so I would know it as well as my own body when I got the chance to touch him –

Then I saw the massive gash on his side. The one I felt when I kissed him earlier. It was all mottled scar tissue, like someone ripped an entire chunk from him, mangled it up, and stuck it back. Somehow, he'd gone through all that pain, and Charlotte still said I nearly killed him. _Me_. I hurt him when I was supposed to be the one…

For his sake. It had to end for his sake.

"How was the water?" Jasper asked, breaking the spell. _Still_ shirtless. Still devastating me with how perfect he was until I got to his eyes. Molten gold and endless, staring at me like I was the only thing in the universe. I never thought someone could look at me like that when I was human, I couldn't believe he could now that I'd become… this.

He also just asked a question, and I knew I'd taken too long to answer because his expression was turning bemused. Maybe even a little smug. Wicked male.

Two could play at that game. I straightened up and ran my fingers through my hair, fluffing it out behind me. "Refreshing," I answered primly, hoping my voice portrayed complete and utter disinterest, but it didn't stop my treacherous eyes from sweeping over his form again. Just one more time.

"Well my bath was fantastic, thank none of you for asking," a deep, rolling male voice intruded in our space, shattering the moment. I arched a brow at the male in question, broad and dark haired, looming nearby and wearing jeans and an open jacket, exposing his bare chest. It was also marred by as many bite marks as Jasper had, maybe more. It forced me to remember Charlotte's words, how they'd all been through this before down south. What was down south? "Where's Char?"

Why? Was he worried? Was my killing James the cruelest thing he'd ever seen, too? "Catching up," I said.

Then the forest behind me rustled. To the human ear, I was sure it sounded like nothing more than wind through the leaves, but it signaled Charlotte's approach. She zipped into the area and needed to take a few steps to slow down. A clumsy stop, like she'd been running faster than her usual. Had she been trying to keep up?

"Jesus, you're fast," she said, eyes wide with disbelief. "Why didn't you just run from them?"

Because I didn't know I could. But even then, would I have left them? That was the point of her question. Another jab to gauge how much of James's monster stood before them. Another test. I was so tired of being tested. A growl surged up from my throat and made the air around us boil. Peter slowly stepped up behind her, hovering, watching me with guarded eyes.

Then Jasper was behind me, setting his hands on my shoulders. Was it to comfort me? To ground me? To restrain me because he didn't trust me to end the violence? The last question made my skin crawl. It cut the feral noise off, but I still glared at Charlotte. "We're going to Denali to get more supplies and meet with the coven there, if you'd like to join us," he said.

"We're still going to Ontario," Peter said, glancing between Jasper and me. I was almost excited by the response until I realized Charlotte looked like she'd won a damn prize. "But we'll join you for a ways."

Great. Just great.

Peter looked just as enthused as I felt. "Maybe it'll give us a chance to… warm up to each other."

I doubted that.

"Maybe," Jasper said. The weight of the backpack on my shoulders suddenly disappeared. I turned around, finding him (_still shirtless_) rummaging through its contents until he pulled out a gray T-shirt. He dropped the backpack to put it on, much to my equal parts relief and dismay. "Seems like we're gonna need more supplies."

"We can collect those and our next meal," Charlotte said. I was too busy trying to be covert in studying the way the thin cotton draped over Jasper's toned stomach to hear what she said, but when the shirt fell in place, it clicked. I stiffened. "Is she all right? I thought her whole thing was being the most dramatic death bringer or whatever. Wasn't that the creep's whole point in changing her –?"

Icy, gut-wrenching rage cut her words short. It silenced everyone. Jasper's hand was on my shoulder again, his grip tight. Almost painful. It would've shattered my bones if I was still human. "Char," he said. It was all he needed to say.

Charlotte glared back at him, like fire to his ice, but Peter gently knocked his shoulder into hers. "Come on. Seems like someone's getting hangry. We'll regroup in a couple hours."

They only left a rustle in the leaves behind.

I waited in the remaining silence for five seconds. That was all Jasper would allow before he turned me around. His eyes were warm, nothing like the emotion he speared out seconds before. "Hey," he murmured.

I knew I didn't have tears anymore, but I still wanted to cry. My throat was itchy and tight. Pressure that used to be behind my eyes and would force the tears to well up was now in my head, pounding and unrelenting. "I didn't mean to kill them," I said. My own voice wavered in the air. "I didn't – didn't want to."

"I know," he said. His fingers ghosted along my shoulders, featherlight and soothing. "I know."

He said he knew, but I was still drowning in the concept of his uncertainty. Charlotte's pompous looks, her words from the lake… "Do you?" I asked. I grabbed at his arms, holding on like I was actually going to physically get pulled under by it all. "It's over – I meant it – I won't –"

"Easy," he said, running his fingers down the side of my face with one hand. The other found my waist and pulled me into him. Our physical connection was all so easy now, nothing like the uncertain way we danced around each other before. I would hold onto that – hold onto him, the possibility of _us_, whenever that time would come – with all my newfound strength and old stubbornness combined. I wrapped my arms around him and buried my face in his chest. "It's okay. She's just trying to rile you up."

I remembered I used to be able to handle that. I used to love the idea of people thinking they could get under my skin so I could prove them wrong. But that was when I used to feel invincible. Now I knew how fleeting any existence could be. The thought of losing any more lives was a real fear of mine now now. Charlotte provoking that thought was too much for me to handle.

I leaned back and held onto his wrist, to keep his hand on my face, to ease the frustrating emotions tangling in my chest and making it heavy. "I'm sorry," I whispered. Because I was still sorry for so, so many things.

Jasper leaned down, pressing his forehead against mine. He sighed and closed his eyes. "I wish you knew you didn't have to be."

I closed my eyes too, focusing completely on the tempo of his breath and the quiet forest around us. It eased the tightness in my chest and made the world go quiet. For a moment, it could just be us.

But then fire seared up and down my throat, ruining the moment. When I opened my eyes, I needed blood. Jasper's arms loosened around me, as if he could sense the change. Maybe he could. "Let's go," he said, stepping back.

My shoulders dropped. The world felt a little colder without him in my arms. But then it heated up when I breathed in and realized how thirsty I was. I cupped my throat in my hand, even though I knew that wouldn't get rid of the pain. "Will it ever stop?"

"No, but it will get easier," he promised me. "Right now you shouldn't ignore the instinct. Come on."

He leaned the backpack against a rock before he tore off into the forest, knowing full well I could catch up. At least I could be trusted to do that much. I hopped once on my toes before vaulting after him, cutting through even more forest like a knife. It only took a minute to catch up with him and match his powerful strides step for step. His hair was slicked back along his head in the wind, curls fluttering against his cheek when he turned to look at me, a daring glint in his eye that sent a burst of joy through me. He pushed off the ground harder, making him go a little faster, and I laughed. I laughed because he thought he could beat me. I released my full speed and shot ahead, just to prove I could.

As we crossed more miles, that familiar tang coated the air along with the pounding I timed my steps to. In increments, I could feel the monster James created take over, and I knew I wouldn't be able to stop it. That joy turned into dread in a matter of seconds. I ripped off my hoodie and chucked it aside before it was too late. Before I could ruin it with more blood and gore. As soon as it was off, leaving me in a sports bra and wind cutting across my bare skin, the rage furled out through my limbs and my senses. Everything became heightened, too intense… and then I was shut out. I lost control as soon as I came on a herd of deer.

But I could still see everything, like the deer's wide eyes, flailing legs, fur and flesh giving way to muscle and bone and _blood_. I could still hear everything, like their frightened bleats and groans of agony from kills not fully executed. I was too thirsty to worry about ending their suffering first.

Five deer died drowning in their own blood under my hands. Did I look like them before I died? Terrified, choking on blood, where the only noises I could manage were daring the hunter to make me like him? I licked the blood dripping off my fingers as I regarded them, forcing myself to come to terms with it all. We may have started out the same, but I was a wholly different creature now.

Jasper took the final three with far less fanfare, and probably more compassion. My body was slick and hot with crimson, while he was pristine except for a small stain on the corner of his mouth. I sighed, the breath rattling with half-consumed blood in the back of my throat. I swallowed past it, quelling the fire in my throat, before I spoke. "How do you do that?"

He knew what I meant. "Practice." He smoothed the blood away with the pad of his thumb before pressing it against his lips and licking it away. I had to swallow again. "Time. You'll get there soon. We'll work on it when we reach Denali."

I finally looked down at my body, at the blood slathered across it. I huffed. "I'm probably so embarrassing."

"You're a newborn," Jasper said.

"But that's not why Charlotte or Peter are scared of me," I said.

"No." His answer was immediate. He wouldn't deny me, even if I would hate the answers. "They see the result of the potential James saw in you."

"Did you see it, too?" I asked.

Something glinted in his eyes. His suspicion prickled over my skin. "What are you asking?"

"You knew who I was from the beginning," I said. "Before I was even born. But you didn't change me. Was that because I'm so… so evil you knew even vampires would think I was a monster? Did Alice see that –?"

"No! God no," Jasper said, but my throat was getting tight again. "You're not evil, Blaire. You're just a newborn. You're not any different than any of us."

"Then why me?" I demanded. "Why did he have to pick _me_?"

"I…" His shoulders slumped. "I wish I knew."

The pressure was building up in my head again. The grief started weighing me down next, making my knees weak.

"But I do know you've always been strong. What he may have chosen you for is the exact same reason why you beat him. You _won_, Blaire," Jasper said. There was a fierceness to his words that made me feel a little less hollowed out. Like I still had some fight in me left. "You just need time to work through it all in your own way. Fuck anyone who thinks otherwise."

Even Charlotte? His best friend since… forever? I hardly believed it.

"I was a newborn too," he went on, "and I've dealt with enough since to know the motions. You're doing just fine."

I frowned. "Dealt with enough? What does that mean?"

A stilted emotion hit me in jagged waves. It was trepidation, lingering around us like a fog. My frown deepened. Jasper's did too. "I promise I'll tell you, but… I need time, too."

"Okay," I said, because it really was. It seemed we both had things to get through in our own ways. "I'm here."

I always would be.

The corner of his mouth twitched up for a second before it flattened out again. I couldn't even smile back, but it didn't mean I was unhappy. I felt more… secure. Like maybe we were meant to balance out whatever weight each of us carried.

A chilly mountain breeze tore through the woods, cooling the blood on my body and making it stick. I cringed. "I think I need another lake –"

Vibrant red glinted in the trees behind Jasper. Charlotte's eyes were a dead giveaway amongst all the brown and green as she crept up behind him, teeth bared, looking more like a monster than I could ever be, as she readied herself to attack Jasper.

Jasper followed my look, frowning. "Char –?"

She sprung with a snarl, but I crossed the distance and pulled her down before she even made it off the ground.

Then things went… crazier.

**V**

* * *

Yes, I'm sorry, life happens and so do plot twists. We'll get to the goods I promise. Trust me, I think I'm more tired of the drama than Blaire is. But I wrote myself into this situation, so a girl's gotta write herself out.

If no one has checked in with you yet, this is me checking in. Comment to let me know how you're doing. Love y'all.

Also, if you're bored and trying to find stuff to do, I'll be posting some fun content on the ko-fi page! One of our fellow readers, TalkingChaos, has made AMAZING aesthetics for our favorite character and she's given me permission to post them! So wander by that way if you find yourself needing pretty, moody, bloody things to look at. She's amazing.


	12. FRACTURE

Everything is insane, and violent, and unjust.

When words fail, actions speak. I urge you to sign every free petition, donate if you have the funds, go to protests if you can, and most importantly educate yourself and speak out against systemic violence and racism. To be silent means to side with the oppressors.

Black. Lives. Matter.

* * *

**10\. FRACTURE**

_MY LIFE HAD BEEN SHORT._ In that time, it felt like it was filled with nothing but violence. Most of the human memories I carried only seemed to feature fighting, blood, and war. It was like I'd always been scrambling, desperately clawing for my life in some way or another. Anything to save me or my family. I was almost used to the motions of it now.

But fighting for _Jasper_ unleashed a whole new intensity to things.

As soon as we collided, I ignited. I was an explosion. I was fire. I was instinct.

I was a flurry of teeth and nails and flesh, with nothing but Charlotte's growls and rage thundering in my ears as sure as blood would have. But I was quiet. There was no need for anything but my own surety. Charlotte was already afraid of me, but clearly not frightened enough. If she thought she could attack _mine_, she would suffer the consequences.

"Blaire!" Jasper barked, but I was too far gone. I couldn't stop, even if I wanted to.

I sent her rolling through the forest. Her back slammed into a tree. I tore after her, kicking up leaves and dirt behind me. "I thought you wanted this to end?" I snarled at her. "Is this another test?"

I threw my hands down on top of her, ready to shatter her ribs, but she weaseled out just in time. I pivoted after her, only to dodge her right hook. Instead of my face, her fist took out a chunk of a small tree, sending splinters everywhere. Then the entire thing fell down. I rolled out from under the trunk before it even touched the ground. I shot out and tried to tackle her, but she darted out of the way again. "You'll find I tend to excel when I'm tested." The growl in my voice mottled my words. "I go _beyond_ expectations!"

Instead of answering, she flitted out of the forest. Back the way we came. Toward Jasper.

The trees were a blur around me. It was so easy to catch up with her. Almost like she wasn't even trying. Was she trying? What did it matter? She tried to attack Jasper, and I wouldn't let that go unpunished. I threw myself into her. We flew into the clearing, tearing up grass and kicking up blood, landing in a pile of shredded elk carcasses. I was up first, reeling around for a second chance at the hit I couldn't land before –

But she swiped her legs across mine, knocking me down. Then she pounced, her fingers digging into my shoulders with her teeth bared. She pulled her fist back, but I moved quicker and slugged her in the face.

_CRASH!_

The collision exploded in my ears and cracked her jaw. Sickening satisfaction twisted my insides as spiderweb cracks formed along the side of her face. The force of my punch sent her backwards. I lunged after her, going for her throat –

But she raised her hand, palm out.

It drew me up short, skidding to a stop only a foot away. At least I got the satisfaction of spraying dirt into her face. But Charlotte simply brushed it away and pushed herself up with a snicker. "I yield, I yield."

I frowned. Then growled. "What the hell were you doing –"

Jasper grabbed my shoulders, flipped me through the air and behind his back, and dropped me on my feet. I stood behind him, frozen, stunned. What just happened – How did he do that? "Really, Charlotte?" he demanded.

Charlotte raked her fingers through her short hair, brushing out leaves, patches of elk fur and flesh, and other forest debris. Like nothing even happened. She winked at me while her jaw reformed. "Aww come on, Jazz. We were just having a little fun."

Charlotte wiped a smear of blood off her jacket, the move so casual it was infuriating. Another growl unfurled from my chest and vibrated my entire being.

"It ends now." Jasper's voice was calm. How the hell was it supposed to _end_ when Charlotte kept _egging it on_?

She cocked her head to the side, vibrant red eyes surveying the mess around us. "You think it will?"

"Goddammit, Char." Peter rushed out of the woods, murder bright in his eyes like twin rubies. Was he going to attack next? I bent my knees, ready to dart around Jasper if the other vampire sent us so much as a wrong look, but Jasper held his arm out in front of me. Barring me. Why wouldn't he let me defend him? Defend us? The other male didn't spare me a look, too worried about his mate painted in blood and gore and forest.

"If you have something to say, then say it," Jasper told Charlotte. "Unless you'd prefer to keep going on like this. I'm more than fine with watching Blaire kick your ass ten ways to Sunday."

Peter growled at him. The noise was so deep it hit me in my chest. "Enough –"

I snarled back.

Charlotte smirked, but it didn't hold any warmth. "I'm sure you wouldn't. Not when she feels like nostalgia."

I had a feeling we categorized what was "nostalgic" by completely different decades. What did she mean by that? Tension prickled across my skin, rising like hackles. It wasn't mine. "It's only been two weeks," Jasper said. "And in that time, she was under the tutelage of a psychopath –"

"Make your excuses," she said with a dismissive wave of her hand. "The time, the sirehood, whatever sob story she has, but that anger –"

"Is justified," Jasper said, surprising me. "You're being unreasonable."

"Am I? That child is everything you left behind. We all know it. She'll drag you back if she doesn't watch herself." She gave me a slow onceover. "At least she knows some form of restraint."

"Call it mercy," I sneered. "If you do anything like that again, I won't stop the next time."

Peter glared at me. Charlotte rolled her eyes. "Noted."

I hated her flippant attitude. How she still seemed to look down on me even though I could have killed her. Anger bubbled up within me with yet another growl. Maybe she didn't learn that lesson the first time. I took a step toward her –

"We're done." Jasper wrapped his arm around my shoulders, crushing me into him. The move held no comfort. It was restrictive. Suffocating. I tore myself away from him and folded my arms across my chest.

"I think it's best we part ways for now," Peter sighed, slinging his own arm over Charlotte's shoulders. She didn't shake him off, but she didn't look particularly thrilled. "Meet again after we have a little more time to get used to things."

He chucked something through the air – a bag Jasper caught with a loud _THWACK!_

"We re-upped your supplies," Peter explained, finally glancing at me. At the fresh blood covering me head to toe. "And then some. Call us when you hit Denali."

"Or when you reach Ontario," Jasper returned. "Whichever's first."

He and Peter shook hands before he leaned down to hug Charlotte. My skin crawled with discomfort. I glared at them both. Her mouth lingered a little too close to his ear for a little too long, whispering something a little too fast and quiet for me to catch. It was just another thing to hate. When Jasper straightened up, he looked… troubled. What did she tell him? My shoulders dropped.

Then I tensed all over again when she made her way toward me. "I don't hate you, you know," she said, sticking her hand out.

I scoffed and didn't take it. "Could've fooled me."

"Jasper's one of my best friends," she explained. "He deserves the best. I have to make sure that's what he gets."

I rolled my eyes, but the words hurt. I knew I didn't have her approval. If not the best, was I even enough to be good?

She pushed her hand further toward me. "I think you'll get there. For his sake."

I shook her hand out of curtesy, and because I knew Jasper would probably be upset if I didn't, but I couldn't help the feeling of inadequacy welling up inside me as she walked away. I couldn't shake the unequal way we were leaving things. Maybe it was her goal to push me just as I started to regain balance. I was becoming exhausted with fighting to stay upright.

"We'll meet again soon," Jasper promised them. "It'll be better."

Much like the way they left the first time, there was only a rustle in the leaves. Then nothing. Jasper and I were finally alone, but it didn't feel right. I was still tense, as if I was waiting for Charlotte to jump out of the woods again. Or for Jasper to say something... I didn't know, just _something_.

He didn't. He shrugged the new backpack Peter gave us over his shoulders. "Ready?" he asked, already taking a few steps forward.

I didn't follow him. Uncertainty held me in its grip, making it impossible to move. There was frustration there, too. "So is that what all vampire friendships are like?" I demanded. "You try to kill each other and leave at a stalemate? She tried to hurt you –"

"Charlotte wouldn't do that," Jasper said. "Like I said, she wanted a reaction out of you. She would take any advantage to do that."

"She wanted to test me," I seethed. My thoughts flashed back to missing hits and her haughtiness. Anger flared next. "You shouldn't have gotten in the way."

"Blaire –"

"How am I supposed to learn anything if you keep me from experiencing things? I'm not going to know any other way. I can handle it. I have to."

I wasn't angry at him, not really, but with my mind constantly turning, I could see things so much clearer now. There were so many tactics and strategies that Charlotte had chosen for me to turn over and assess, all flying through my head at lightning speed. I would've stopped on my own. If Jasper hadn't come between us, if Charlotte could have seen what I would do without seeming like he influenced me… maybe her opinion of me would've changed. Maybe a few other things could've changed too. But we'd never know.

"All right," Jasper said.

All right? What the hell was that supposed to mean?

He didn't say anything more. He squared his shoulders back and focused on a path ahead of us, ignoring me. Ignoring me? Were we fighting?

"We should reach Denali by tomorrow night, at the latest," he said. "There will be water on the way."

He was running, turning into little more than a blur streaking across the clearing. I pulled my snarl back into my chest before it could escape, then pushed off the ground and forward with more force than necessary. I left two deep scars in the earth behind.

**V**

_AN EVEN BLANKET_ of snow covered the ground and piled on the limbs of trees as we ran further north. All the while, we were held up a silence just as deathly cold as the snow.

I'd taken another bath in a half-frozen creek, and changed into another pair of leggings and my Forks Spartans hoodie. I even put on shoes: a pair of hiking boots Alice had the foresight to pack. Even though vampires were immune to freezing to death, we could still feel cold after a while. Especially if we were running through six inches of snow with nothing but bare feet.

Icy wind stung my face as I flanked Jasper's side. My gaze often flickered to the back of his head, then to the trees and sky. It was clear, the clouds opening up to an indigo sky teeming with stars and whorls of glittering constellations. It was bright and beautiful. It gave me the chance to feel small again. Even if I was something entirely different now, I was still just one tiny, uninteresting thing in a massive universe.

The want for blood boiled low in my throat, threatening to bubble up again in mere hours, but I kept it in check. There had been an uptick in Jasper's speed, an anticipation that lingered over me from him, that made me think we were getting close. I hoped that would mean we'd be able to talk soon. The silence… it didn't feel right. I wanted to fix it.

The ground sloped upward under our feet, turning rocky with only bare patches of trees and bare, scraggly bushes. The moon climbed higher over us, like we were running to catch it. It cast everything in silver, including Jasper's golden hair. My heart clenched as we got to the top of the hill. "Jasper –"

He stopped before I even got his name out of my mouth. I stopped too, slipping on loose rock. I rightened myself before – or even if – he could catch me. He stood still, immovable as the mountain under us, watching me with golden eyes washed out by the moonlight. My hands curled into fists, nervousness quickly and effectively eating me alive. "I'm sorry. Whatever I did –"

"You didn't do anything wrong. I should be the one apologizing. There is a lot of this you'll have to learn on your own, but…" he broke off to sigh. "You've already felt alone enough as it is. What would I be to you if I didn't try and help?"

Somehow, our hands found each other in the dark, fingers intertwining with ease. It bridged the divide between us. Just like that... things were right again. It was so easy, so freeing.

"Hopefully you won't have to. At least for a while. I want to be more than what – what _he made_ –"

The words caught in my throat. Jasper's thumb swiped over my knuckles before he tugged me into him and wrapped his arms around me. I pressed my face into his chest, breathing in his scent, letting it ground me. I squeezed my eyes shut, but I could only see dead human faces with wide unseeing eyes, mouths twisted open in horror, blood spraying through the air, pooling in the grass…

My throat burned with need. The fear of what I became came next, and it moved sluggishly. I clutched at Jasper, willing it away as best I could. "I want to move on, but I can't if they all keep pulling me _back_ –"

"I know. I know." His fingers smoothed along my hair. He leaned down and pressed his lips against the crown of my head, bringing waves of calm that eased the tension I held tight within me. "It'll be okay."

I had to keep believing in that, too. Maybe one day it would be true.

We stood there long enough for the moon to climb higher and cast glittering iridescent fractals across the snow.

And for someone to approach.

Their footsteps crushed the fresh five-inch blanket. My fingers tightened in Jasper's shirt, just as his arms pulled me in closer. "Shit," he cursed, his breath puffing against my hair. "Blaire, I –"

"Jasper!"

I pulled back at the shockingly feminine voice shooting across the tundra. I turned to the sound, frowning at the powder flaring up into the air. What now?

Then she jumped out of the snow, arcing into the air with a twist that made the moon highlight the pink in her hair. I stepped out of Jasper's arms and stood in front of him, ready to take on the next attack because... that was what it felt like. The absolute _dread_ coming from Jasper threatened to eat me alive.

A statuesque vampire landed, poised and perfect, revealing herself to us. Her hair fell loose and smooth around her face, wide with a brilliant smile. She looked like she was supposed to be some kind of supermodel in her knee-high boots and leather hooded jacket. She started running along the snow again straight toward us. Jasper took a step around me. "Tanya –"

"I knew you'd come back eventually," she said with a bright, trilling voice.

Before I could do anything to stop it, she crashed into him and wrapped her arms around his neck. Then she _kissed him_.

_**V**_

* * *

Once again, this is me checking in on you. I hope you're all doing okay, and if not, reach out. I'm going through Some Personal Stuff at the moment as well, so my responses may be delayed, but I will respond. Love you guys.

I also want to thank _**justanemogirl**_ and _**Seltix**_ for their donations. They mean so, so much.

And thank you to everyone else for your comments!

You're all such a bright spot in my life when I'm dealing with a lot of uncertainty. I hope you all know how grateful I am to have you... even if I tend to show that with slow updates and cliff-hangers...

Sorry. I promise I'll try and make the next chapter less cliffy. I'm starting to annoy myself tbh.


	13. MASK

So on my ko-fi, I said I'm working on update(s) as in more than one, and I totally am. This is the first one. I'm still working on the next one, but I'm stuck on how to write it. I don't want to end things on yet ANOTHER cliff-hanger, because I feel bad about how many I've been doing in this story. I promise it's not my intention to annoy you guys, it's just that I feel like everything Blaire is going through right now deserves it's own "moment" (aka chapter) where she can process and adapt, then move onto the next thing.

Blaire's transformation is just another foil of Bella's: while Bella's was mostly glazed over and romanticized, Blaire's is more brutal. I go into the nitty-gritty of things, which is awesome in the long run because it means more content, but is also frustrating because cliffangerz~

ANYWAY. I was originally going to wait on posting this chapter until I finished the next, but I'd appreciate some feedback. The next chapter can go one of two ways. The first being a looooooong chapter. The second being two short chapters with more content in each one, but an inevitable cliffhanger because I'm a monster I guess. I'll let you decide.

In the meantime, I appreciate your patience and support. I know the wait sucks. 2020 has been a difficult year for everyone, and I'm not an exception. I'm just one person behind a keyboard doing the best I can.

And, as per my new usual, I want to leave an additional note to remind you my updates also act as check-ins. I hope you're doing okay.

* * *

**11\. MASK**

_IT FELT LIKE A PUNCH_ in my stomach. Winding me. Crushing me.

I couldn't focus on anything other than the way their lips brushed, feeling that small touch like vicious flames in my own heart.

It hurt. It hurt so much.

Part of me wanted to rip the hair out of the female's skull, but most of me wanted to throw myself off the cliff Jasper and I just climbed up. I bet Charlotte would've called that progress. To me, it felt more like giving up. It felt like losing the tentative footing I'd found in all this chaos, and I was so tired of trying to hold on.

Jasper turned his head to the side as soon as they touched and stepped out from the other vampire's reach. "Tanya." His voice sounded strained. Good. A sadistic part of me relished in his discomfort prickling along my skin. "This is Blaire."

Tanya reminded me of Rosalie, from the little blurry memories I had of her. Same long, wavy hair – though hers had an interesting pink hue woven into the golden strands – same model-like physique. Her smile was as brilliant as the snow around us. "Hello! How did you two meet?"

In a high school parking lot, where I should've realized my life would never be the same as soon as I saw him.

"In Forks, the day after Edward left when he discovered his singer," Jasper said before I could even come up with a response. "I'm hers."

What a laughable explanation – to human ears, anyway. To Tanya, it explained everything. Her smile disappeared in that instant. Her eyes went comically wide. How did a phrase like that have such a deep, universal meaning? "Oh God," she whispered. It was barely more than a breeze. "I'm so sorry –"

I looked away.

"I… Alice said you were coming, so I wanted to meet you," she went on. The name sparked a strange sense of comfort and dread in me at the same time. She was familiar. Patterned Gucci booties and pearls that glistened under a bedside lamp at midnight. She was another ex of Jasper's. "I should have listened to the rest of her call."

I was more focused on the bottom of the cliff than her nervous explanation.

"Does the rest of the coven know we're here?" Jasper asked, thankfully changing the subject.

"Yes," Tanya said quickly. Her eyes were even quicker to dart away when I finally looked back at her. "I'll take you to them now. I… I'll let you catch up."

She turned and ran, kicking up snow and ice that shimmered like diamonds in her wake. I sighed. My breath came out in a shuttering cloud.

I expected Jasper's touch as soon as she was far enough away. His hands were featherlight on my shoulders, gently turning me to face him. I refused to meet his eyes. "I promise I was about to tell you."

"Is there anyone else?" I asked. "In that house, I mean. I just want to know so I'm not surprised."

"No," he said quickly. "You have to know that was such a long time ago. There's nothing between us –"

I fixed a glare on him. "_Nothing_?"

He let go so fast – like I burned him. I hated myself for it immediately. He glared down at his shoes and raked a hand through his hair. "Not… emotionally. I'm sorry, I really thought I'd have more time to explain."

He was. I could feel his remorse in waves, but I didn't want any of it. I looked back the way Tanya ran. I could barely see her form through the mist of freshly upturned snow. I didn't want to follow her. But I was so close to an actual house. To Bella.

Jasper made it sound like wherever we were going would be safe. I'd be able to talk to Bella again, but what would we even talk about? I couldn't stomach telling her what I'd become. I couldn't… tell her everything I'd done. It would mean reliving all of it just when I thought I was getting away. It would mean telling her more about vampires, pulling her further into this twisted and cruel world. She couldn't be any closer than she was. I turned into a fucking _monster_ to keep her safe!

But not telling her… It meant not talking to her. It meant leaving her behind. The thought alone fractured something deeper in me than watching another person kiss Jasper. Bella was the only connection to what my life had been before the blood and rage. Losing her meant losing more family. I turned into this fucking monster because I didn't want to lose anyone else.

"Blaire, talk to me," Jasper suddenly said. "Let me help."

He couldn't, though. Only Bella could. Whatever choice I made, I wouldn't make it alone. It was her friendship, too.

I rubbed my eyes. Even though I couldn't produce tears, they still burned like I had them anyway. Any decision I made would bring on an entirely different pain, and I didn't know which one was worse. I turned on the balls of my feet –

Then Jasper grabbed my arm. The _wrong_ arm. "Darlin' please. Say something. Anything –"

Fire. Fear. Screaming. My arm burned as if he was ripping it off all over again.

The panic tore through me. I whipped around and yanked out of his grip, backpedaling to put as much distance between us as possible. I had to grab my arm and hold it against me, just to make sure it was still there. "Back _off_!" I snarled.

Jasper stood frozen in place, eyes wide with horror. I couldn't look away. My chest rose and fell with rapid breaths, cold air whistling through my empty lungs, doing nothing to calm the absolute insanity in my head. I gripped my arm even harder, trying to ground myself – finding nothing –

My stomach suddenly flipped like the ground had been pulled out from under me, and I was falling. I let go of my arm to sink my hands into the ground, scrabbling for earth underneath the snow.

Desperation.

"Blaire!"

His emotion cut through my terror, but it didn't stop me from leaping up to my feet. I had to _force_ myself not to throw myself off the cliff. Because that was stupid. This was Jasper. He was _mine_. He wasn't going to hurt me. He just wanted to talk to me. "I'm sorry!" I almost screamed the words. They came out in a rush. "I don't know –"

"I do," he said. He didn't make a move to meet me. His eyes swept back to the cliff, too.

**V**

Fresh snow glittered under the moonlight as the rocks and trees around us gave way to a long stretch of flat tundra. The light slipped over my skin, giving it a dull pearlescent glow. It looked… pretty. I couldn't decide if I hated that or not.

Jasper caught up with me. What I had in speed he made up for in power. He flanked my side in silence. I couldn't feel anything from him. I hoped he couldn't feel anything from me.

Five minutes into crossing the expanse, I saw lights. The closer we got, the more they stretched out to frame the silhouette of a house set in front of a tall mountain peak. It was long and angular, reminding me of the Cullens' modern-style house in the woods. It'd been a reprieve; peace, no matter how fleeting. I hoped this place would be the same, especially since it meant talking to Bella.

Tanya stopped a few yards away from the house, spinning neatly on her heel in front of the garage. It made the snow flurry up around her. I barely dodged the spray. "Welcome to Denali!" she exclaimed. "Our home is yours always."

Always? My eyes widened. "You… don't even know me."

"A friend of the Cullens is one of ours, too," she said simply. As if it was that simple. Did the Cullens even consider me a friend? "And in time, we'll know each other better too."

I didn't want to, though. Honestly, I didn't want anything to do with vampires anymore. But… she was offering sanctuary. And a way to talk to Bella. "Thank you." I hoped I sounded more sincere than I felt.

Maybe I did. Her smile didn't waver. "There's five of us right now. They're waiting in the living room to meet you. I wanted to tell you first so you don't feel overwhelmed."

I was already overwhelmed. Two strange vampires I could handle, but _five_? My thoughts were already in overdrive. There was the strange house, this place I didn't know, and five vampires posed a threat too big for me. I couldn't help but take a small step back –

Only for Jasper's hand to hover at the base of my spine, startling me. I hadn't even heard him approach. "You're safe here." He'd leaned down close to my ear. I could feel his warm breath against my snow-chilled skin. "I promise."

Tanya was already at the front door, pushing it open, allowing buttery yellow light from the inside to spill out across the snow. It looked warm. The word _safe_ played in my mind.

I took a steadying breath. This was for Bella as much as it was for me.

Jasper shadowed my steps all the way up to the front door, not close enough to smother me, but close enough that I couldn't feel his support. I still couldn't feel his emotion, though. Why wouldn't he share with me?

The house was significantly warmer than outside, and so much brighter. Lamps, overhead lights, and the glinting metal-framed furniture in a seating area to the right all assaulted my eyes at once, making me squint. Tanya kept walking down a narrow hallway that immediately dropped down two small steps and opened up to a cavernous living room.

The rich brown hardwood floors shone underneath an industrial lighting fixture that spanned across the ceiling. A plush navy sectional filled the room and was framed with two oversized brown leather chairs. Behind the setup was a wall made entirely of glass, much like the Cullen house. To the right was a small kitchen and dining room, which I found hilarious.

My eyes quickly skipped back to the couches, and the vampires that filled it.

There were four: two blonde females, a brunette female, and a brunette male. The brunette female was the only one to offer me a smile, even if it was small. I froze at the threshold between the hallway and the living room while Tanya walked ahead of me. "Everyone, this is Blaire," she announced.

"Jesus, Jasper," one of the blonde females said. Unlike the other blondes, her hair hung in a straight curtain around her face, making her look just as cold and modern as the house surrounding her. "Did you have to drag her through the mud to get here?"

She rose from her seat and took a step closer to us. I took a step back into Jasper. She noticed and stopped. Her thin brows furrowed.

"She's been on quite the journey," Tanya suddenly said, surprising me. She stepped to her sister and rested her hand on her shoulder, both of them exchanging a long, knowing look. What did they know?

"Blaire," Jasper began, my name a hum in his chest against my back. "This is Kate and Irina, Tanya's sisters. Carmen and Eleazar make up the rest of her coven."

I probably should've said it was nice to meet them, but the lie was caught in my throat. I could only stare at them and wish I'd taken Jasper and ran back down that cliff. There were just _so_ _many _of them. How could we trust them? We didn't have another choice! We were helpless! Trapped!

Carmen was the second one to stand up. "Why don't we get a shower started for you?" she asked. Instead of moving toward me, she flitted toward the windows and a staircase to the right I didn't even notice. I stiffened. "You deserve to rest."

How could I rest? If it weren't for all the vampires in this house, it was everything else still weighing on my mind. And then there was the matter of not being able to sleep _ever again_. Jasper gently nudged me down the steps and into the living room, closer to her. He suddenly leaned down and kissed my temple. "You're safe," he reminded me, lips lingering close enough to brush along my skin. "I'm right here."

He was giving me the space to figure things out on my own. Because he trusted these vampires. He felt safe. I could, too. I darted through the living room too quick anyway, just to avoid the other vampires' eyes. By the time I got to the base of the stairs, Carmen had already gone up them. Wherever they went, they led into darkness. I could hear running water.

I glanced back at Jasper, who was already making his home among the rest of the coven, shaking the only other male's hand. He greeted them easily, and when his eyes met mine, he smiled. My shoulders relaxed. He was okay. I was okay.

Darkness met me on all sides as I walked up the stairs. It was comforting after being under all the bright lights and _staring_.

The second floor of the house wasn't as grand as the first. It was a narrow corridor lined with doors, and only one at the end was open. A soft, flickering light poured out. The sound of rushing water flowed from it too. I followed both, entering a large master bedroom illuminated only by the moonlight pouring in from a window to the right, and candlelight from the bathroom to the left. Carmen hung in the doorway. I tensed.

"I thought you would appreciate the dark," she explained. "I was quite sensitive to light when I was a newborn. I was sensitive to everything, actually."

She let out a soft trilling laugh. To hear it, and her admission, all felt surprisingly… relieving. "I thought I was going crazy," I admitted.

"Maybe a little, but it'll pass," she said. "Alice called, so we knew to expect you. She didn't tell us anything except that you've been through a lot."

I found my fingers curling against the fabric of my leggings. I glanced away.

"I'm sorry for that," she went on. "So is everyone else. All of us have come from pasts far from ideal."

Because no story involving a vampire ever ended pleasantly, I suddenly remembered. The truth of it startled me once again.

"We don't expect details. Or explanations. But I do hope you'll be able to find some semblance of peace while you're here." Carmen passed me to walk out of the room, closing the door with her. "I left some clothes for you on the bed. Come downstairs when you're done. We'll speak of happy things."

Happy things. What a foreign concept.

At least she closed the door without waiting for a response, enclosing me in the small space. It smelled like jasmine and vanilla.

I glanced at the clothes on the bed – another piece of furniture I also found hilarious – folded neatly on top of the silk lavender sheets. I was in front of them in the same moment, unfolding them, revealing a pair of running shorts and a T-shirt. I took them with me as I walked in the bathroom. Candles ranging in size and color were dotted throughout the bathroom, making the spacious en suite seem cozier. Someone must've liked taking baths here. I tried to find the source of the vanilla fragrance from the array on the counter –

And froze when I caught movement out of the corner of my eye. I knew what it was. I didn't dare look.

Because I'd find my reflection looking back.

It turned out vampires could see their own reflections, but I spent my entire newborn life so far avoiding it. Whether it was in the water's surface, a vampire's eyes, or the pupils of a deer or a – a person – dilated from terror.

"_Your features have changed since you've turned,_" James had told me after I took out an innocent man hiking too far from a marked trail. "_Are you sure you don't want to see yourself now? His blood is the perfect mirror –_"

My hands shook as I set the borrowed clothes on the bathroom counter. I clenched my teeth, desperate to keep my newfound strength in check while doing everything I could to shove the memory aside and the fire flaring at the base of my throat.

I knew I'd have to face what I'd become eventually, but… I wanted to wait as long as I could.

I stripped off the clothes I wore and dropped them in a waste basket nearby. I stepped under the spray, boiling hot, startling me. It was the perfect distraction from my own thoughts. Mud and blood dribbled down skin I knew was a lot paler than it used to be, along the circular scar at my shoulder I couldn't look at longer than a second, and down forearms that no longer bore any freckles. I closed my eyes and breathed in the steam and scent around me, but I only saw flashes of red, torn bits of fur and flesh. Even a stray scream rang in my ears under the pounding water.

I forced myself to gingerly pick up the body wash, only to violently scrub myself down. The same went for the shampoo. I didn't stop until my nails were clean and my hair didn't tangle around my fingers when I combed through it.

I still trembled when I turned the water off and stepped out. I found a fluffy white towel hanging on a hook nearby, and wrapped it around myself, pointedly staring at my bare feet. I took my time drying off, reveling in the softness surrounding me from the towel, to the thick steam billowing through the space, and the candles. It was its own kind of soothing. It dulled my too-sharp senses. I could breathe.

I put on the borrowed clothes that were cotton-soft and a little sticky against my skin, clinging to the lingering perspiration on my body. I focused on the grains in the granite countertop, and stood like that for… I didn't know how long.

It was long enough for all the steam to dissipate, long enough for me to decide I couldn't put it off any longer.

James was gone, but he'd left his monster behind. I needed to _know_ it.

I sucked in a few steadying breaths, pulling in the vanilla and jasmine flickering around me, trying to think about the soft candlelight, the fluffy towel, the hot shower, Jasper's hands on my shoulders… the only soothing things I'd found in this chaotic life so far.

I looked up.

_Red_.

My eyes were a startling ruby, bright even though the rest of the world was dim. My hair was a deeper shade of it than I remembered. It hung in waves around my face, not quite as voluminous or orange as Victoria's. Mine was more ginger. More _red_.

Just as I suspected, the freckles that once populated my face were gone, replaced by white alabaster. My face was the same shape it'd been before, as were the rest of my features, but they were still… different. My cheekbones seemed more defined; my jawline more sculpted. My eyelashes were darker, fuller, perfectly framing those _red eyes_.

This was the last face so many people saw before they died. My teeth – now straight and even and white – were the last _things_ they saw.

My feet moved underneath me, carrying me away from the mirror. The rest of me moved on instinct, darting through the master bedroom, opening that one large window on the other side. Chilly air brushed my face as I climbed out and dropped to the icy ground.

Then I started running.

_**V**_

* * *

Let me know about what you want to do about the next update!

I've also stopped promoting my ko-fi page on every update. While all donations are appreciated, I think any funds would be better spent on charities that help those affected by COVID 19, in support of the Black Lives Matter movement (and if you can't donate that's totally fine because there are TONS of free petitions to sign that make a difference) and/or those affected by the rampant wildfires at this time.

Honestly... with so much wrong happening in the world, I'd like to use this platform as an opportunity to spread some good. Give me a charity to talk about in my ANs for the next update.

Also, tell me your go-to comfort movie! Mine is Howl's Moving Castle.

I still encourage you to check out the ko-fi page if you haven't already. A lot of cool stuff is on there, like answers to questions, fan-art, memes, and excerpts of upcoming chapters. I also post my favorite comments on there (which I sorely need to update us all with) so you should see if I highlighted you!


End file.
